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Friday, October 13, 2006

Oh Happy Day

An open letter to a particular kind of bus passenger.

Dear F**kwit,

Good morning. You seem to have a total inability to understand the concept of being sensitive to the needs of others without being told, so in despair I'll do my best to get through to your walnut-sized, shrivelled little testicle of neurological matter.

I know not whether it is a fear of developing piles by sitting down, or perhaps a fear that the exertion of walking upstairs will induce an embolism in your tiny little mind, but - here's the thing - IF YOU STAND BLITHELY AT THE BOTTOM OF THE STAIRS ON A BUS, OTHER PEOPLE CANNOT GET TO THE EMPTY SEATS UPSTAIRS.
Sure, they can push you out of the way like the insignificant little irritant that you clearly are, but people are sheep: they will assume that you are standing in everyone's way making a total w**ker of yourself because there is nowhere else for you to go.
Now, while causing a wholly unnecessary human backlog of people on public transport clearly doesn't bother you, let me explain further. When you do this, the bus driver will (not unreasonably) assume that the reason there is an 80 year old man wedged precariously in the doorframe and a fat profusely sweaty man obscuring his mirror view is because the bus is full. That is why, you offensive little scrote, the bus is sailing right past queues of people at bus stops who've already been waiting half an hour.

If there is any justice in this world, useful parts of you will shrivel up and drop off.


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