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Wednesday, November 08, 2006

The Music Man

Oh for god's sake. It may be because I'm feeling sick and grumpy, but reading this has made me INORDINATELY agitated.

Simon Cowell, who is something big in the manufactured music industry (and who looks like an overweight version of the bloke off the Mr Muscle ads, but I don't think the two things are related) recently made me laugh by commenting that he didn't understand how Pete Doherty - singer of the perfectly inoffensive band Babyshambles -has enjoyed any success, on the grounds that he couldn't sing.
"He'd never get anywhere on X Factor", pronounced Simon, sagely. (Or as sagely as one can when one has the vocal range of a castrated rodent).

Very true, Mr Cowell. Very well observed indeed.

Except, when you think through that logic, not being desperate enough to perform like a singing monkey on a rigged TV show doesn't really mean that a musician is "not very good", does it? I mean, let's think about all the people who "wouldn't get anywhere" on X Factor.

Dame David Bowie. Kurt Cobain. The Clash. Morrissey. Iggy Pop (although I would give everything I own to see him try). You see where I'm going with this, Simon, you intellectually-neutered adulterator of popular culture?

And now, it seems, he's at it again.

Apparently, Simon is helplessly incapable of imagining a musical world beyond reality television.
Amost tragically, X Factor - the tedious little bubble of manufactured sub-Eurovision pop poison Simon created in order to line his already-bulging pockets - is all that exists for the raisin-faced talent trampler. If it isn't up to the standards of Michelle McManus or Steve Brookstein (no, me neither), it simply don't exist.

Which is why we get this:

'Simon Cowell has branded the city of Seattle, Washington as "totally miserable." Cowell's talent-finding visit to the city was unsuccessful, with the British music mogul lamenting the lack of decent Seattle-based singers. He tells USA Today, "Seattle is going to be known for something other than coffee this year. They had the worst bunch of miserable singers that I've ever met in my life. It was two days of total misery. And the weather was bad, as well."'

Oh yes, that's right, Cowell. Seattle is WELL KNOWN for it's lack of musical talent, isn't it? Never had anything APPROACHING a music scene, has it? Unless, of course, you count Nirvana, Soundgarden, Pearl Jam, Alice in Chains, Mudhoney.... Yep. Narry a room-filler among them. None of them were ever any good, were they?

Oh no, wait, according to your logic, they weren't.

1 comment:

soggyseattlenative said...

couldn't have said it better myself....
but please let me add a postscript to dearest simon.
so mister [flab]muscle, please know that you're not alone in your pain. i honestly don't know how you survived a full two days in such a contemptible and pointless wasteland as seattle. i'm sure i'm not the only one who can substantiate your keen observations and unique findings that seattle is indeed a depressing city; what with all that RAIN and the oppressively overcast skies. NOTHING LIKE LONDON THEN, IS IT??
YOU TWAT.
and let's not forget that soggy depressing seattle produced jimi hendrix, as well as those already mentioned, who i can guess wouldn't even make it through round one of your shameless 'talent' show.
i'm sure they'd be gutted not to go off with you and your co-muppets to LA, the armpit of the west coast of america. what a delightful city.... for those made out of plastic, those who enjoy being shot for no reason while driving their kid to ballet, and those who delve their own self-importance out of stalking celebrities. yes, the obvious haven for cultivating home-grown british talent.
and i'm sure both jimi and kurt are turning in their graves knowing what rejection would have been in store for them had they failed to achieve success based on genuine talent after years of hard work.