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Thursday, December 14, 2006

Royal Shenanigans

‘A long-awaited report into the death of Princess Diana in a Paris car crash due out Thursday is expected to refute theories of a plot by British intelligence targeting her, and confirm a French probe that said it was an accident.’

Very good. But wait: how was this emphatic denial of conspiracy headlined?
“Diana – death or accident?”

Jesus. Let it GO. It was an accident, how MANY times do you need to hear it? That’s the point of the report. Question mark no longer needed, yes?

I mean, be serious for a second. People are getting bumped off for political reasons all over the shop – Russian KGB defectors, Hamas opponents (and the small children of Hamas opponents), Lebanese politicians – and horrible though each of these killings are, they make some sort of political sense.

Even the other famous conspiracy theories have elements of credence about them: John and Bobby Kennedy, for example, (don’t mess with the Mafia is, I think, the moral of that story) and if it’s a tragic blonde you’re after, Marilyn Monroe.

But Princess Diana? Do me a favour. The woman was a vacuous, entirely inconsequential woman who liked going to parties, tarting about on yachts and sleeping with arab surgeons and other people’s husbands. Now, she may well have been a pleasant woman, and I’m sure she was a great treat to have around at parties - she did scrub up well in glamorous frocks - but a political threat? A threat to the future of the monarchy? I don’t bloody think so. Prince Phillip presents more of a threat to the monarchy every time he opens his mouth than she did in an entire lifetime.

I mean, take a look at the other stories around the monarchy: Prince Andrew hassling a smack-addled Courtney Love for women to bed, Prince Charles likening his prune-faced mistress to a tampon and then marrying her, Prince Harry groping the breasts of dozy tarts in nightclubs while knocking back champagne and smoking cigarettes with (it must be said) admirable enthusiasm….I mean, what with that and the longstanding rumours of upstairs downstairs bottom sex, they’ve long been doing a fine job at bringing down the monarchy all by themselves.

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