"How can a guy with gold teeth sell toothpaste? It's like a bald man selling shampoo."
So says Johnny Depp of the proposal - subsequently rejected - that he should advertise "Captain Jack" toothpaste, the silliest tie-in yet to his Pirates of the Carribbean character. Well done that fabulous man.
Less fabulously, Conrad Black is even more deluded than we thought. Himself facing an almost-absurd 101 years in jail for theft and fraud and other associated nasties, he has written a book on Richard Nixon, in which he claims the shamed former President was merely misunderstood.
"Had it not been for his legal and ethical shortcomings", he says, Nixon would be ranked as one of America's greatest Presidents.
Similarly, "if Conrad Black wasn't such a blatant fraudster, he would be heralded as the best businessman that Canada has ever produced".
Or perhaps, "If the Arctic Circle wasn't so cold and covered in snow and ice, it would be one of the world's most popular sunshine holiday destinations".