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Wednesday, April 30, 2008

Blue Peter Badges

So, according to this morning’s Currant Bun, “brave” ‘Prince’ William just took a long weekend trip to Afghanistan, to “experience a war zone”.

Sorry, did I say long weekend? I meant a 3 hour, heavily guarded pit-stop.

Which, in the grand lottery of conspicuously egomanical faked displays of bravery, puts him somewhere like 1000 notches below Bob Hope, and a good 250 notches below Marilyn Monroe, both of whom at least took the trouble to entertain the troops in Vietnam and Korea when they got there. (Lindsay Lohan apparently “wanted” to visit US troops in Iraq, but I have been unable to confirm whether she actually bothered).

It’s lovely for young William that he’s being allowed to play soldiers in every division of the country’s armed forces – meanwhile, let’s all try our best to forget what a pitiful and absurd waste of time and money the whole preposterous puff actually is, and gloss over just how inconceivably insulting it is to REAL service people.
Cos look, he’s having such jolly japes! Last month William earned his Velcro wings, and promptly adopted a £15,000 an hour Chinook helicopter as a personalised taxi service (employed for stag do attendance and visitations for leg-over with the approved royal bird). In a few weeks, I understand, they’re going to give him an ickle inflatable Navy badge, proving that he’s capable of fucking about in a dinghy for six weeks or similar. One can only hope he doesn’t get any ideas about dislodging HMS Belfast from its moorings and taking it for a jolly old spin down the Thames, like any good hooray might.

However, he’s still got a long way to go before he gets anywhere near to his dad’s utterly NODDY military record. By 2006, having last seen active service over 30 years previously, ‘Prince’ Charles held a ‘four star rank’ in the armed services. Believe it or not (and it might be less painful not to), the bogus-medicine-touting, general-public-robbing snivelling little buffoon is officially a general in the Army, an admiral in the Navy and an air chief marshall in the RAF. And he wears his medals with pride.
At last count, Charlie had 31 decorations in total (mostly given to him by his mum. Which, frankly, is about as underwhelming as you or I stitching our cycling proficiency badges to our work uniform). These included, according to the BBC:

1: Order of Merit, civil version
2: GCB
3: Queen's Service Order (New Zealand)
4: Queen's Coronation medal
5: Queen's Silver Jubilee medal
6: Queen's Golden Jubilee medal
7: Canadian forces decoration
8: NZ commemorative medal
9: Knight of Most Noble Order of the Garter

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