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Wednesday, August 20, 2008

The World, according to Max Clifford

Jade Goody is a not-especially-interesting woman from Bermondsey who appeared on a reality television show a few years back.
Having been demonised for the entire duration of the original show ("Kill the Pig" was, I believe, one particularly glorious Lord of the Flies-esque Sun headline) for being working class and lacking intelligence (her type are allowed on telly, you understand, but only if we can perform the televisual equivalent of poking sticks at them through the railings), she was latterly 'taken to the nation's bosom' after the News of the Screws' finest sobered up and realised that they might've gone too far.

Fast forward a few years, Jade's done alright for herself: she's found a lucrative niche putting her name to a rags-to-riches autobiography and selling the obligatory weight loss DVDs, alongside featuring in yet more reality television nonsense where she parades her stupidity and perceived lack of social grace for the public's entertainment, in a modern take on the Victorian freak show. She's got a couple of kids, a big house and all is going far better than she'd ever hoped.

Riding the wave of - if not affection - then certainly the public's bemused tolerance, Jade returns to the reality television format that made her 'name' (it brought serious cash, after all, if dubious public merit) and during yet another interminable run of 'Big Brother', took part in a little bit of light afternoon bullying against another grubby, fame-hungry glass-eyed contestant.
Unfortunately for the unsuspecting Jade - whose inane and preposterous public utterings had, up until that point, brought her nothing but pitying applause, a "gawd luv er" pat on the head and a banana - the ringleader of the nasty little bitching trio of which she was part - one Danielle Lloyd - was, while an utter guttersnipe, younger and considerably more attractive than Jade was, and not quite so unforgiveably and uncompromisingly 'common', despite making a living as a tit model. A scapegoat was needed and Jade, too successful for anyone's comfort by this point, was never going to come out of it well.
Oh, and to make matters far worse, the 'victim' in this case was Indian, and therefore Ms Goody's typically ill-thought-out jealousy-induce 'popadum' comments, fit only for a 1970s playground, were taken by the press to be a transgression of modern social values akin to that of Robert Mugabe's.

Jade's fall from grace was perceived, then, to be complete and irreversible. Jade herself didn't quite understand what she'd done wrong (let's face it, she'd done nothing differently) but she figured that she'd enjoyed the barely-earned fame and riches while they lasted.

But, people, Jade had one very powerful tool at her disposal, one that will never accept surrender, even in the face of unsurmountable odds, and/or Kerry Katona: step forward, Mr Max Clifford.
Nobody but nobody, rises to a challenge quite like Max Clifford. The man could publicly rehabilitate Stalin, given half a chance and the collusion of the tabloid press.

This week, Max scored the best - and truly the most tasteless - coup of his career. Knowing as he does that there's nothing the public loves more than a sob story, Max has apparently used Jade Goody's cancer diagnosis to shoehorn the poor cow back into the hearts and affections of the bovine-like British nation. Cancer, in celebrity world, is the trump card that beats every hand going: where once you were a filthy degenerate scrubber, suddenly you are 'vulnerable' and 'brave'.
As if that weren't perfect enough, the carefully stage-managed setting and manner of the relevation were positively fucking taoist in their circular perfection: Jade Goody apparently 'learned' that she had cancer, on the INDIAN VERSION of the same reality television programme that both made and broke her. Front page sympathies all round.

Max Clifford: You truly are an evil genius, adrift in a cynical world without anything approaching a moral compass. I would salute you, really I would, but I really, really don't want to.

'FRIENDS of cancer-stricken Big Brother star Jade Goody told of her terror last night.
Jade, 27, was said to be “very upset and frightened” as she flew home to London.
The reality star arrived at Heathrow in tears after the flight from Mumbai where she discovered her cancer bombshell during India’s BB-style TV show.
Jade, who returned for cervical cancer treatment, sobbed: “I don’t want this.”
Earlier her publicist Max Clifford said: “She’s very upset and frightened as you can imagine.
“The most important thing is to get Jade back and get her with the right people so they can take care of her.”

Jade had tests at the Princess Alexandra Hospital, Essex, earlier this month after mysteriously collapsing four times.
She was given the diagnosis in a call from her doctor in the Bigg Boss Diary Room on Monday, as we reported yesterday. In footage obtained by The Sun, she is seen running into the main house to tell contestants that she had been given “bad news”.
Jade sobbed: “I have cancer. It is bad, needs urgent treatment. I immediately need to go home.” Jade then packed her bags before leaving the house. The scene was shown with her permission.

She knew there was “a strong chance” she had cancer before flying to India — but said she needed the £100,000 show fee to support her two sons.
Before entering the house, she said: “I have to pay my bills. And if I do face cancer, I need to make sure I can support the boys.”
She even offered to go back on the show after surgery. Jade wanted to make amends for alleged racist jibes at Shilpa Shetty on Celebrity BB in 2007.
Jade had been on Bigg Boss — hosted by Shilpa — for just a day.

Sun readers left messages of support for Jade on our online forums.'


urmynv said...

Hmm. My mum was just diagnosed with cancer again, but somehow this tart will probably end up in better shape than mum when this is all said and done.

Ce'est la vie.

Ron said...

In retrospect, the she died before my mother did.