Godfrey Lazarus says...

The only way is downhill

2011-05-23T01:32:00.000-07:00

OK, so The Only Way is Essex. It's a reality television show. It is part of a newly-distorted genre of reality television in which 'real' people are given scripts and told to live out their real lives using said scripts. What happens is generally uneventful - some have even whispered 'boring' - and tends to revolve around nightclubs, beauty salons and the love lives of a small group of unremarkable 20-somethings who live in the county of Essex.
It's completely brainless, full of pretty colours and fake tits and youthfulness, and as such it's become, with crushing predictability, very popular.

What it is NOT - and not so long ago, I'd be laughed at for even suggesting such a sentence might ever be necessary - what it is definitely NOT is a BAFTA-winning television programme.

And yet, and yet: last night, this ludicrous, candyfloss bit of televisual fluff won the audience award at the BAFTAs. Not only did it win, it beat Downton Abbey, which was the MOST WATCHED NEW DRAMA OF THE PAST DECADE, with 12 million viewers.

Now, fair enough, it was the Youtube viewers award, which necessarily means the voting process was going to be utter nonsense: getting the general public's opinion on anything is always a ridiculous idea (just ask David Cameron).
Indeed, the sponsor of the award tells you everything you need to know about who was doing the voting - I'm surprised they were allowed up that late on a Sunday.

But still, there's something depressing going on here that we ought not to really ignore.

I don't DOUBT that the red-topped newspapers this morning will be heralding the show's win at the BAFTAs as a triumph of working class righteousness, a joyous celebration of cultural egalitarianism. And so they must - it was their chuntering on and on about the bloody programme for the last 2 months that helped give it its momentum.

And no DOUBT anyone who complains publicly about this win will be howled down by these same tabloid harridans, who will insist that watching young women called Sherri glueing Swarovski crystals to their waxed and buffed pudendum is a cerebrally-enriching experience on a par with reading Tolstoy.

Palpable nonsense. Tabloid journalists are not idiots, but what they are saying is that it's OK for their READERS to be idiots; nay, their idiocy should be feted, encouraged and fed continuously for fear that if folk looked up from their vajazzles for too long, they might take more of an interest in what the not-stupid folk are getting up to. Or, to paraphrase the mighty Bill Hicks, "Go back to sleep, Britain, nothing to see here".

What this BAFTA win is, once a-fucking-gain, is a celebration of the stupid, a glorification of the not knowing. A world where The Only Way Is Essex is regarded as "like, really brilliant" and worthy of a BAFTA is a world in which thinking is, effectively, something to be sneered at. In this world, to be educated is to be posh, to demand basic standards in one's cultural output is to be stuck up and out of touch. It's a world in which real, 'down-to-earth' folk are not expected to be interested in decent drama that (god forbid) someon talented has actually bothered to write, and which might (heavens above) feature the odd crinoline or multi-syllabic piece of dialogue.

DOn't get me wrong: there is a place in our cultural landscape for The Only Way is Essex. Of course there is. If there wasn't then it wouldn't get such big audiences. But for the love of god, it's imperative that we know it for what it is.
I'm an avid fan of The Apprentice (I particularly enjoy the way Alan Sugar's face crumples like a disappointed sphincter whenever he tries to tell a joke) but I enjoy it for what it is: trash telly. If I wanted to learn anything, or be mentally enriched, I'll watch something else.

Not all television is created equal, just as not all writing is equal: if that were the case, English graduates would be swotting up on Catherine Cookson. Or even (lord preserve me) Tony Parsons.
The fact that they aren't doing so doesn't detract from the intrinsic value or popularity of the trashy stuff, either: Catherine Cookson is still, I believe, the most read writer in the English language.

Say it with me, folks: it's acceptable to watch shit TV. We don't have to justify it by telling ourselves it's worthy, OK?

Fancy Dress

2011-05-11T01:49:00.000-07:00

As probably the only family in Britain (or so it would seem) who did not pay any attention to the Royal Wedding, I realise I am on shaky ground in commenting on the whole affair, but today's whinge by the low-level former Royal Sarah Ferguson about not getting an invite did grab my attention.

The Duchess of York has told US talk show host Oprah Winfrey that not receiving an invitation to the royal wedding was "difficult".

"I wanted to be there with my girls," the former royal said.

The woman concedes that being caught out flogging 'an audience with' her grimy ex-husband for half a million quid a pop might be the reason for the snub (d'ya think?):

The duchess was caught on video last year offering to sell access to Prince Andrew for £500,000 ($818,000).

"I felt that I ostracized myself by my behaviour, by the past, by living with all the regrets of my mistakes," she said.

but she still thinks it would've been nice to have joined the party. She says:

"It was so difficult... because I wanted to be there with my girls and to - and to be getting them dressed and to go as a family," the Queen's former daughter-in-law said in the interview taped on 6 May and due to air on Wednesday.

Ah. 'Getting them dressed'. What she means, of course, is that if only that bloody old baggage the Queen hadn't been so sour as to ban her from the nuptials, THIS wouldn't have happened:

Oh, ah, sorry, no, I meant this...

This man is not my grandpa

2011-05-10T05:16:00.000-07:00

You know, as a sort-of-ish member of the journalistic profession (and not, the last time I checked, a fan of sadomasochism), I probably shouldn't be saying this: but one has got to admire Max Mosley.

In case we've forgotten (it's been a while)... The man was caught out by the tabloids in the most excruciatingly embarrassingly public way, with his pants around his ankles and a collective of grubby and slightly unsavoury prostitutes walloping him with riding crops and the like. So far, so what? Except for one detail: he is, as his name would suggest, related to a long-dead right wing fascist, and as such,the News of the World were desperate to stitch him up. In fairness, Mosley did quite a bit to help them, by getting aforementioned group of bottle-blonde lovelies to dress up in Nazi uniform and (if memory serves me correctly, as it usually does where peculiar sordid detail is concerned) pick imaginary fleas off him and shout fascistic nonsense at him. But whatever you think about the man's bedroom antics, it doesn't change the fact that there wasn't really much justification for the NOTW to come after him. Mosley certainly felt that way, anyway: he successfully sued the newspaper for printing the initial story and (would you believe the sheer front of the man!) has just taken his case to the European Court of Human Rights to seek a change in the law.

He lost, as one might expect, but as I say: He's got some brass neck, that Mosley. You can't help but admire him for not crawling, humiliated, back into bottom-spanking obscurity.

"This is just about whether the newspapers should have the right to publicise very private aspects of people's lives which there's no public interest in at all - it's just purely for titillation and to sell newspapers," he told the BBC.

Being walloped by a bunch of Nazi hookers is, I would hazard, an unusual way for a grown man to get his jollies, and doesn't exactly speak well of the morals of the man, but Mosley would hardly be the first middle-aged man to enjoy a bit of spanking. Taken in isolation, the facts of the case are really, when all is said and done, quite mundane. Before his tabloid 'expose', nobody had heard of Mosley, so one could not reasonably argue that his being dragged through the public gutter was in the public interest.
No: the reason why the NOTW wanted his scalp is not because of who THIS man is, but because of the man from whom he is descended - Oswald Mosley. When viewed through the strangely distorting eyes of the News of the Screws, Mosley deserved to be brought down because his old dad was a Nazi. And I'm afraid I can't agree with that.
The judge in Mosley's case said he had to protect the media's "right to freedom of expression". But the right to bring a person down because they don't like the politics of a person's family - and not, let's be clear, based on anything that the man himself has done, outside the confines of his own bedroom at least - is not a right that the tabloids should necessarily own, and to suggest that this agenda need 'protecting' is slightly sinister in its implication.

Ex-motorsports boss Max Mosley has lost his European Court of Human Rights bid to force newspapers to warn people before exposing their private lives.

He said the Strasbourg verdict was "disappointing" but he may appeal, to keep fighting for tighter privacy laws.

In 2008, the UK High Court awarded him £60,000 damages after ruling the News of the World invaded his right to privacy by reporting on his sex life.

Victory might have led to new privacy laws, which press bosses oppose.

Mr Mosley, 71, said of the judgement: "[I'm] obviously disappointed, but it's satisfying that they've been extremely critical of the News of the World.

"I think they've underestimated the danger from the UK tabloids but obviously they're the judges and one has to respect their decision."

70% Genius

2008-11-17T07:25:00.001-08:00

I love that the tabloids are obsessed with this dead baby - and are particularly obsessed with giving a platform to the startling number of the dead child's relatives that are now coming forward to declare with righteous outrage how they themselves had “warned” the council and its social workers that the child was in mortal danger.

Forgive me for stating the obvious, but: OF COURSE a doctor who failed to identify that anything was wrong with a clearly bruised child with broken fingers, missing fingernails, 8 broken ribs and a broken spine (otherwise known as a ‘paralysed’ child) should be brought to tribunal. Of COURSE a social worker who failed to identify the gravity of the situation with regard a child who had been seen 60 times for over 45 acknowledged injuries should not be allowed to work with children again.

But can you tell me what moral right the grandmother/cousin/neice/absent father of ANY small child has to even the smallest IOTA of outrage if they themselves did not do anything to remove the child from danger? And not just talk about how they “tried” to remove the child but were forced to hand it back. If any child of mine or my family was having its fingertips removed with a Stanley Knife as a piece of home theatre entertainment, there is no social worker, no court, frankly no WEAPON in the land that would persuade me to relinquish that child back into the care of those that had inflicted the harm.

“Oh look, my 18 month old son/grandson/nephew/fill in as appropriate appears to be being beaten senseless on a regular basis by its parents and carers, I simply must take action. I know, I’ll call the council to complain. After all, the welfare of my family is their sole responsibility, isn’t it?”

No, blame culture c**ts of Britain, it really isn’t.

And talking of blame culture, I heard probably THE best example of a person absolving themselves of personal responsibility the other day (and as this one doesn’t involve beaten-to-death children, it’s a lighter note to end on, frankly).

In a piece on the ‘credit crunch’ (it may have been local news – I dunno, maybe I was waiting for Coronation Street) there was a chap being interviewed about his nigh-on insurmountable debts and the “anguish” they had caused him and his wife as they were chased by credit companies. These companies, it transpired, were after him for the return of a grand total of £65,000, which he had spent.
On credit cards.
On cruises, five-star safaris and other “lifestyle luxuries”.
He said, and I quote, “The fact is that I now owe £65,000. And at the end of the day, I’m not completely a victim [!!!!!!!!!!!!!!] because it was me that took out the loans and I spent the money, so I know that I am partially responsible. So I’d say that I’m about 70% responsible, but the banks are 30% responsible because they shouldn’t have lent me the money knowing I couldn’t pay it back”.

Absolute genius.

Political Heavyweights

2008-11-11T05:16:00.000-08:00

Right. Well. While I've been too busy doing tedious things like working, it appears the world has gone even more fucking mental than ever.

While America celebrates it's own political events of historical significance (or if you're a newspaper journalist, revels in a never-before-seen event of monumentous, near-indescribable proportions that directly affects everyone on the face of the earth, as well as absolving the nation of its racist past, particularly the rather pesky murder of Martin Luther King, oh dear, I'm welling up), senior politicians in THIS country have been busily occupying themselves with similarly poignant and vital events of major national significance.

By this, I am of course talking about the random and entirely unexplained reference to the 'voting off' of a reality television programme singing contestant named Laura White (which apparently took place this week on a tedious 'reality' music programme on ITV called X Factor) by Andy Burnham. In the House of Commons.

No, really, I meant to put that: the Culture Secretary Andy Burnham gave a speech to the House of Commons about this programme, telling his bemused (and one can only hope, drunk) colleagues how sad he was that Ms White had failed in her quest to become a talentless music industry puppet. Sad, sad sad, he was. No, REALLY.

'Even the Culture Secretary, Andy Burnham, had something to say about the show in Parliament.
He said White, who lives in his constituency of Leigh in Greater Manchester, was "wonderful and talented" and the decision to axe her was "very harsh".'

An explanation for this absurd mockery of the democratic process is seemingly, if the BBC is anything to go by, deemed depressingly unnecessary.

Meanwhile, in other political news, the former (and formerly-respected) political journalist John Sergeant is apparently not doing very well in his bid to make cash as a cheap media whore by ballroom dancing badly on a BBC programme hosted by Bruce Forsyth, RIP (1807-1983).

Excuse me, I'm just off to boil my head in a vat of glue.

Supermodels’ undercarriages

2008-09-23T05:31:00.000-07:00

Story on the BBC today about ‘designer vaginas’, in which a London-based urogynaecologist told a conference, in Canada (somehow you knew it would be) that the trend for women to get their lady gardens ‘fixed’ to look purdier is “worrying”.

Perhaps more worrying is the quote she gives to the BBC on the subject:

"Women want to emulate the supermodel. It's part of a trend,” she says.

Erm… have I missed something, or aren’t supermodels generally known for the slenderness of their bodyframes and the uninspiring prettiness of their faces?

Since when did the poor underfed minxes become women with well-documentedly tidy labia?

P.S. The designer vagina operation is called a labiaplasty. What kind of a sense of humour bypass must the plastic surgery industry have had not to want to call it a labotomy?

'A leading urogynaecologist has spoken out against the growing popularity of cosmetic vaginal surgery.
Professor Linda Cardozo, of King's College Hospital, London, says little evidence exists to advise women on the safety or effectiveness of procedures.
These include operations to make the external appearance more "attractive" and reshaping the vagina to counter laxity after childbirth, for example.
She discussed the issues at a medical meeting in Montreal, Canada.
A Google search showed over 45,000 references to cosmetic vaginal surgery, yet on medical databases such as PubMed or Medline there were less than 100.
Professor Cardozo said the most established vaginal cosmetic procedure was reduction labioplasty - a procedure to make the labia smaller - which is requested by women either for aesthetic reasons or to alleviate physical discomfort.
"Women want to emulate the supermodel. It's part of a trend. But they should know that all surgery can be risky.
"Most of the procedures are done in the private sector and it's totally unregulated."
The exact numbers of procedures carried out are unknown.
In the past five years there has been a doubling of the number of labial reductions carried out on the NHS from 400 in 2000/1 to 800 in 2004/5.
Growing trend
The evidence from existing case studies shows that the procedure, which costs about £2,000 at a private clinic, does have positive aesthetic results but it is unclear whether it resolves feelings of psychological distress or improves sexual functioning, she said.
And there was little evidence that "vaginal rejuvenation" - the surgical repair of vaginal laxity, with a price tag of about £3,000 - improved symptoms and was any better than doing simple pelvic floor muscle exercises.
She said robust research was needed so that doctors could properly advise their patients. In the meantime, she urged surgeons to remain cautious and operate only as a last resort.
In her presentation at the Royal College of Obstetricians and Gynaecologists 7th International Scientific Meeting, Professor Cardozo said: "Cosmetic vaginal procedures raise a number of serious ethical questions.
"Women are paying large sums of money for this type of surgery which may improve the appearance of their genitalia but there is no evidence that it improves function."'

"My heart just broke for the terrorist cause"

2008-09-11T02:13:00.000-07:00

So here we have another dippy American actress glamourising the IRA and its illustrious work of the 1970s-1990s.

I UNDERSTAND that the IRA are, by virtue of being Irish, intrinsically cool to some in the US.

I UNDERSTAND that the IRA are OK because their targets were the English and not their good old friends in America - that nation that saved them from the potato famine, saved them from British oppression, and in which (obscurely when you think about it) huge numbers of people identify themselves as being 'Irish' because they come from Boston or New York and have great grannies from Tipperary.

And I UNDERSTAND that the issue of Irish Republicanism looks terribly black and white, terribly David and Goliath, and terribly easy to unravel in the eyes of people who can't be bothered to understand it properly: think Mel Gibson and his interpretation of Scottish nationalism for a nice wee comparison.

But it's still all a bit tiring, isn't it?

Many in America have tended to think of members of the IRA as being, in reality, much as they portray them in the movies: good looking (Daniel Day Lewis crossed with Brad Pitt crossed with Aiden Gillen with a soupcon of Colin Farrell, if you like), passionate and troubled souls who are perhaps misguided, yet glamorously violent and - here's the key thing - JUSTIFIED - freedom fighters. And as long as the knees they were capping and the children they were blowing up were located in Derry, Birmingham or London, they could continue funding the IRA to their hearts content and no harm done (Angelica Huston, you stupid bitch, I'm looking at you).

Interestingly, after America found itself the victim of a major terrorist incident (seven years ago today, in fact), many of those same people who had been quick to sympathise with the IRA's 'cause' (they have a cause, see, not like those pesky towel heads) found that, actually, they weren't really all that fond of terrorism after all.
It's no coincidence that the IRA's demotion to 'yesterday's terrorists', with funds drying up quicker than they could blink, happened at much the same time as Al Qaeda started to take violent action against what it saw as an internationally oppressive US.

Which makes these remarks by actress Rose McGowan (me neither) particularly surprising and particularly hilariously misjudged. Because while she might think she's on safe ground staying off the topic of Middle Eastern politics on September 11th, and promoting her movie by chuntering about the once-again-cute-but-dangerous Irish brand of terrorists, all you have to do is replace the phrase 'IRA' in the story below with 'Al Qaeda' and 'Belfast' for 'Kabul' and you realise just how completely she has got that wrong.

'Hollywood actress Rose McGowan has said she would have joined the IRA if she lived in Belfast during the Troubles.
McGowan stars in Fifty Dead Men Walking, an adaptation of IRA informer Martin McGartland's autobiography.
"My heart just broke for the cause," she told a news conference ahead of the film's world premiere at the Toronto International Film Festival.
"Violence is not to be played out daily and provide an answer to problems, but I understand it."
The film also stars Jim Sturgess as Mr McGartland and Sir Ben Kingsley as his British handler.
It tells the story of how Mr McGartland joined the IRA at 16 after he was recruited by RUC Special Branch to infiltrate the group.
It chronicles his four years in the IRA between 1987 and 1991 before his cover was blown and he was kidnapped.
He escaped by jumping out of a window but was later resettled with a secret identity in Whitley Bay, near Newcastle upon Tyne.
However, his new name emerged after he was prosecuted for a driving offence, and in 1999 he was badly wounded in a gun attack, blamed on the IRA. Since then, MI5 has given him another name and moved him to another location.
Mr McGartland opposed the film for months but he now says he is happy with it following negotiations this week, which according to Reuters, included a £20,000 settlement whereby he agreed not to pursue legal action.
"The producers gave me a copy of the DVD and I watched it again ... and the more I watch it, I just love it," he said.
Canadian director Kari Skogland said Mr McGartland initially found it difficult to understand the film based on his life was not the same as making a documentary about him.
She said during filming in Belfast, advice from former IRA members on how to make a bomb and techniques for torturing informants helped to add authenticity to the project.
"I had many secret meetings in dark places. We were being watched by all sides, phones tapped, that sort of thing," she told the Hollywood Reporter.'

P.S. LOVING McGartland's quote about the movie he'd apparently hated until they bunged him £20 grand to shut up. "The more I watch it, I just love it". Anyone would think he was taking the piss.

"I started to explain Coffee Mate..."

2008-09-05T04:15:00.000-07:00

Quite, QUITE the funniest story I've read in a very long time. Indeed, I have copied it in its entirety from the BBC website because it made me smile such a lot.

(Is it worth my asking whether anyone other than a British MP would be daft enough to consider it sensible to carry a large unmarked jar of white powder around Columbia on holiday? Probably not. Hey Ho.)

'MP's gunpoint Coffee Mate ordeal

An MP has described how he was held at gunpoint by guards in Colombia who mistook a jar of coffee whitener he was carrying for cocaine.
Lichfield MP Michael Fabricant had been on a trekking holiday to South America last week when he said he was held by armed soldiers who searched their bags.
He said one pulled out the unmarked jar of Coffee Mate and accused him of smuggling raw cocaine.
The MP said all he could do was to eat "mouthfuls" of it to prove otherwise.
Conservative MP Mr Fabricant, who was with a friend at the time, was eventually released and allowed to continue his holiday.
He said he ate several mouthfuls of the coffee whitener while M16 guns were pointed at him to prove it would not have any ill effects on him.
He offered some to the camouflaged guards, thinking that if it was pure cocaine it would be poisonous.
Mr Fabricant, who is now safely back home, said: "They started to speak to us in Spanish and unfortunately I don't really speak any Spanish at all.
"They started looking through our bags, and came across this container which was unmarked which contained this mysterious creamy, white powder, and they started shouting, 'cocaine, cocaine' or something that sounded like that in Spanish.
"I started to explain Coffee Mate and I don't think they understood because they were going, 'no coffee, no coffee'. I was saying I knew it wasn't coffee, but they were a bit bewildered."
Mr Fabricant said that although Colombian coffee was "really very, very good", he did not trust trying the local milk, which is why he had brought the coffee whitener with him.
He added: "I started tasting some of it and the guards insisted I had more to see if I was going to trip out.
"When it became obvious it wasn't happening, they started giggling and one tried it on their tongue.
"Mind you, I felt pretty ill after trying some. By the time you've had several scoops of Coffee Mate, and of course it expands in your stomach, it's not very nice."'

Free will - BURN IT

2008-09-04T04:49:00.000-07:00

Apparently, British schools are getting into book burning these days.

A response, or so it says on today's news, to the fact that a few inner city urchins think it's clever to stab each other of an evening instead of watching Eastenders, developing obesity or shoplifting.

Carol Ann Duffy is not the only writer affected by the cull on independent thought, however.

Children are being barred from reading the autobiographies of other such literary heavyweights as former Spice Girls Geri Haliwell and Victoria Beckham, for fears that reading about eating disorders will cause young girls to ditch their lunchtime sandwiches and pick up laxatives instead, while teachers can do nothing but look on, helplessly. The work of Grace Nichols, the author of 'Fat Black Women's poetry' and a long-time favourite of the inner-city teaching establishment (see title), is similarly affected, as teachers fear Nichols' enthusiasm for body fat may also lead youths to develop an unhealthy body image.

The obcenely violent collective works of literary gore-mongerer Geoff Chaucer have been banned outright from all schools, and a major question mark now hangs over the work of one Bill Shakespeare, whose writings include incest, images of racial and sexual bigotry, extreme violence and several incidents of knife crime.
Happily, these are moves that will have little effect on state schools in inner city areas, as they stopped teaching literature by dead white men years ago.

Elsewhere in the country, Argos is thinking of withdrawing kitchen knife sets from its shelves in case such deadly weapons should find their way into the hands of anyone under the age of 24.

And perhaps most shockingly, Copydex 'pyres' are being lit from coast-to-coast, like a modern day Armada, as teachers, ever wary of the intellectual frailty of our nation's youth (after all, they're largely responsible for it), fear access to glue may lead teenagers to a life of misery and drug addiction.

'An exam board is removing a poem about a knife-carrying violent loner from its anthology for GCSE English because of fears over teenage knife crime.
The AQA exam board has decided to withdraw the poem Education for Leisure written by Carol Ann Duffy.
The exam board is writing to schools to advise them to destroy the copies of the anthology - and says it will send replacements not containing this poem.
The poem begins with the line: "Today I am going to kill something. Anything."
It describes the thoughts of a disturbed, isolated individual who feels underappreciated and undervalued and who kills a fly then a goldfish. The poem concludes with this angry loner going outside with a bread knife.
Some teachers have been complaining for years about the poem's inclusion in the anthology.
In 2002, English staff at a school in Hull, East Yorkshire, refused to teach the poem and said they would even tear the page from the book if they had to.
The exam board said the poem had been a "popular choice" for pupils - allowing GCSE English students to debate issues about the state of mind of the poem's narrator.
But a spokeswoman said the board had received a complaint and against a background of fears over teenage knife crime had now decided to drop it from the anthology.
"People will have different views on this - but we have to make a decision in the light of what is currently happening," she said.
The exam board said the decision had not been taken lightly but that the selection of poems had to respond to current "social issues and public concern".
Carol Ann Duffy's literary agent, Peter Strauss, told the BBC's iPM programme that the poem was not a promotion of violence.
"This poem is pro-education and anti-violence. It is not glorifying violence in any way," said Mr Strauss.
"Carol Ann Duffy is a vocational poet for the young. She gets children fired up about language and verse. She talks to more schoolchildren than I've ever met. She's encouraged more people to have a love of words and a love of education than anyone else I know," said Mr Strauss.'

The Waste Land

2008-09-04T03:41:00.000-07:00

Thought it worth mentioning this, as it's the first I've heard of this preposterously-titled 'Cultural Olympiad'.

Anyway, the jist of this story seems to be that, in the run up to its hideously ill-judged application to host the next Olympics, the 'London 2012' organisers realised that London was a veritable cultural wasteland, with nothing of artistic or literary value going on with which it could commend the city as a site for a sporting contest.

"We need to put on some culture to win this, that's what we need to do. You know, pictures n that", said Seb Coe.
"What about some pretty lights?" said that lesbian runner woman who won a few medals that time in Greece.
"BRILLIANT!" said everyone.

So is born the Cultural 'Olympiad'. Superb. The BBC online news bunny tried valiantly this morning to give this story due prominence, she really did, but is it just me or is it not rather telling that one of the 'highlights' of this historically-important, £40m (that's £40 MILLION) cultural epoch appears to be changing the lighting scheme at the Queen's gaff?

'A William Shakespeare festival and 12 new public works of art will form part of a 'Cultural Olympiad' planned for the run-up to the 2012 London games.
Set up to showcase Britain's arts and culture, the four-year programme will comprise 500 events designed to involve and inspire people at home and abroad.
Details are being announced on Thursday by 2012 chief Lord Coe at the National Theatre on London's South Bank.
The scheme was a key factor in London winning the bid to host the Olympics.
The Cultural Olympiad will co-ordinate the opening and closing ceremonies at the London games, as well as local and regional events.
It will begin with an open weekend, to be held later this month - between 26 and 28 September - for which hundreds of events have already been planned.
One of these will include the illumination of Windsor Castle and Blackpool Tower in pink, blue, orange and green - the colours of London 2012.
Future projects include Film Nation, a digital film competition for young people, and Unlimited, described as a celebration of disability arts, culture and sport.
There will also be National Singing Day, held as part of the BBC-backed Sound strand, dedicated to "celebrating music as universal language".
When London's selection as the next host of the Olympics was made in July 2005, Culture Secretary Tessa Jowell described the Cultural Olympiad as "absolutely central" to the vision of what could be achieved.
However, many of the original plans have reportedly been scrapped, with some people questioning the value of the scheme's reported £40m price-tag.'

All hail the "small town mom" itching for power

2008-09-04T03:10:00.001-07:00

'Mrs Palin - who supports drilling for oil in Alaska's Arctic National Wildlife Refuge - said that while drilling "will not solve all of America's energy problems", that is "no excuse to do nothing at all".'

Hmm. I wonder whether Mrs Palin has ever considered the possibility that the solution to "America's" energy problems (nice to see the rest of the globe features so prominently in her thinking) might just be for Americans to stop greedily sucking up so much fucking energy?

Anyway, Sarah Palin. With one son off to fight America's war, the other living with Downs Syndrome as a result of his mother's opposition to abortion - where the hell did they find someone so fucking perfect?

Personally I can't decide whether Palin is a comic genius or just the physical embodiment of misogyny in action in politics. Consider the facts: she called her daughter Bristol. (Yes, she's a hicksville teenager up the duff, which should qualify her as evil and worthless to her dear mummy's hyperventilating religious right, but it's OK, see, cos she's getting married. At 17. So that's all fine then. Keep up.) (Insert joke about enthusiasm for drilling in Alaska here, if you can be arsed).
Bristol, though. BRISTOL! Maybe she went there once on holiday and thinks its a dead sophisticated choice, like Brooklyn or Chelsea. Hmmm...

See, that kind of a sense of humour is to be commended. On the other hand, the fact that Palin appears to have been hired to "appeal" to female voters who are disappointed not to have Clinton in the running any longer, well that's less funny when you consider it's not meant to be a joke.

This is a pro-war, pro-environmental destruction, pro-guns, anti-abortion Nut-Nut from Fuckwit, Nowheresville we're talking about. And yet the popular media seem entirely happy to reiterate the puerile and offensive line that female Democratic voters and Clinton supporters will tick her fucking box entirely because she does not possess a penis?
Yes, of COURSE. Because that's how women vote, isn't it? We don't actually know a fucking thing about real politics, or understand complex things like economics, education or foreign policy. We vote for whoever's got the PURDIEST handbag. God forbid that women should actually be considered capable of voting according to their political beliefs. Nice to see that the same argument that was being used against female suffrage in Britain in 1912 is still as relevant in America today.

Still, on the plus side, Palin sounds a perfect candidate for a Republican government to me. Look:

'It has also been revealed that an attorney has been hired to represent Mrs Palin in an Alaska state ethics investigation involving alleged abuse of power.

Mrs Palin told US network CNBC she had "nothing to hide". Her deposition is expected to be scheduled soon.'

The (too much se) X Files

2008-08-29T04:06:00.000-07:00

This is rather lovely for a Friday.

Apparently, David Duchovny has gone into "rehab", claiming to be addicted to sex. (Bleurgh. No, really, Duchovny? BLEURGH).
Anyway, the actor's agent asks us to "respect his family" or some such guff at this "private time". What the hell is private about publicly announcing to the world that your client can't control his undercarriage, like a mangy dog with worms?

Anyway I'm with Joan Rivers on sex addiction: "What they mean is, they're addicted to screwing people who aren't their wives"...

'US actor David Duchovny has entered a rehabilitation clinic for sex addiction, his publicist has confirmed.
In a statement released through his lawyer, the X Files star said he had entered the facility "voluntarily".
He added: "I ask for respect and privacy for my wife and children as we deal with this situation as a family."
The 48-year-actor, who has been married since 1997 to actress Tea Leoni, plays sex-obsessed character Hank Moody on the hit TV series Californication.
The couple have two children together.
Cable network Showtime, which broadcasts Californication, released a statement: "All of us at Showtime wish David and his family the best during this very private time."'

Eye for an Eye

2008-08-27T10:18:00.000-07:00

Well, thank you very much, NICE. It seems that you've finally "decided" that it's a wee bit unfair to offer sight-saving drugs to people in Scotland on the NHS, while allowing people in England and Wales to go blind, forbidden access to the most up-to-date (and therefore prohibitively expensive) AMD drugs. "We'll give you the treatment after you've already gone blind. Seems logical to me," you said.

This is the kind of fucking blood-vessel-burstingly upsetting nonsense that sick people in England have to deal with all the time, of course, despite the fact that taxpayers in this country heavily subsidise the vastly superior NHS treatment available to the Scottish people, who repay us not with gratitude but by...erm.... hating us.

Still, AMD sufferers in this country might just get a fair deal now, and that is a good thing. It's just a fucking shame for all those people who've already GONE blind in one or more eye, isn't it? Because let me tell you, they're REALLY NOT VERY FUCKING HAPPY TODAY.

Now let's see if Gordon's government can come up with an even VAGUELY logical or sane reason why Scottish people are given their higher education for free, while the rest of us have to pay for it...

'All patients in England suffering from a disease which causes blindness are to get access to a sight-saving drug.
Lucentis treats wet age-related macular degeneration, the leading cause of sight loss in the country.
The drug is already available in Scotland, while Wales and Northern Ireland have said they will fund it.
The National Institute for Health and Clinical Excellence (NICE) had originally said patients should wait until they went blind in one eye.
The suggestion, made last summer, caused an outcry from campaigners and doctors, prompting a U-turn by the NHS advisory body in December.'

Stupid White Men

2008-08-27T06:05:00.000-07:00

"If any middle class white male I come across says he wants to enter television, I say 'give up all hope'. They've no chance."

So says Jeremy Paxman, internationally famous political journalist and television presenter, who hosts the anchor, prime-time current affairs show Newsnight on the BBC. His salary in this role is over £800,000 per annum.

In his spare time, Mr Paxman hosts the long-running, much-syndicated programme University Challenge, which goes out weekly in a prime-time spot, also on the BBC. For this, he receives in the region of £240,000 per annum, the equivalent of £7,741 per show.

Jeremy Paxman is a white middle-class male.

'Jeremy Paxman, the veteran presenter of BBC's flagship current affairs programme Newsnight, has rounded on the corporation's apparent prejudice against white, middle-class males. The grand inquisitor made his remarks at the Edinburgh Television Festival when he disputed claims that it is an industry dominated by men - and pointed to a string of powerful female executives.

"Do I think it's a man's world in television? That is the most ridiculous question I have been asked all week," he said. "The worst thing you can be in this industry is a middle-class white male. If any middle-class white male I come across says he wants to enter television I say 'Give up all hope'. They've no chance."

Paxman named Jana Bennett, the director of BBC television, and Jay Hunt, the controller of BBC One, as examples. However, his apparent contradiction of former BBC Director General Greg Dyke's remark that the BBC was "hideously white", has not impressed fellow broadcaster Mariella Frostrup, who was once told by a producer on Stephen Fry's show QI that there were so few women on the programme because "there just aren't any intelligent women out there".

"He lists women because he couldn't possibly name all the men in positions of power in TV because he would be there all bloody day," she says. "He talks about middle-class white men being a beleaguered species on television. Well, excuse me, but... look at the Today programme, Have I Got News for You, Newsnight. It seems to me that TV is a fantastic place for middle-class white males."'

Prison: like rehab, only cheaper!

2008-08-26T03:10:00.001-07:00

I opted some months back to refrain from comment upon the activities of the mangy, cretinous little crack hound that married Amy Winehouse, or the self-indulgent and deluded torrent of effluent that seems to pour forth, in a neverending fashion, from both his parents and hers, but I felt moved to draw your attention to this....

Georgette Fielder Civil - the mother, or possibly step-mother of the rat-faced husband - was in the paper at the weekend, to tell us that Amy Winehouse should be in jail instead of snorting coke in public view in Camden pubs (I bet the landlord of The Monarch was overjoyed when s/he picked up the News of the Screws and read about that...).

Now, 'Amy Winehouse does coke' is clearly of virtually no interest to anyone. This remark, on the other hand, was rather revealing:

'Mother-of-three Georgette, 45, told how she was overjoyed after visiting Blake for the first time in his new Category C prison near Newmarket on Sunday.
She revealed: “Blake’s been given his own room with an ensuite shower.
“He also has a TV, CD player and a shelf full of books in his room.
“He even has his own key so he can lock himself in if he wants privacy.'

So what you're saying, Mrs Civil, is that prison is a great place to send your irresponsible wanker offspring for an all-mod-cons little spell at rehab (we'll overlook the fact that the nasty, grubby little c**t is actually in there for nearly KILLING a man)...?
Prison 'works' because it is plush and clean, and because drug-addled fuckwits like your son get the best medical treatment available, but best of all, because it comes out of the taxpayers pocket rather than out of your own?

A quick lesson, because I only plan on saying this once.

2008-08-22T07:14:00.001-07:00

Staffordshire Bull Terriers are often grouped together with other dog breeds under the 'Pit Bull' moniker.
In the media, the term is vague and may include - alongside the English and American Pit Bull Terrier - other breeds with similar physical characteristics, such as the Perro de Presa Canario, Cane Corso, Dogo Argentino, Alano Espanol, Japanese Tosa, Dogue de Bordeaux, Cordoba Fighting Dog, Bull Terrier, Antebellum Bulldog, Alapaha Blue Blood Bulldog, American Bulldog, Boxer, Valley Bulldog, Olde English Bulldogge, Renascence Bulldogge, and Banter Bulldogge.

These breeds are rarely listed by name in breed-specific legislation, but they are sometimes included when the term is defined broadly and based on physical appearance.

In shelters worldwide, Pit Bulls or dogs that appear to be Pit Bulls comprise a large portion of the shelter's population and may be destroyed due to the stigma associated with the breed (or because of overcrowding). In the UK alone, it is estimated that over 100,000 Staffordshire Bull Terriers are killed every year.

Where a dog is genuinely dangerous and aggressive in its behaviour, it is almost always the fault of the dog's owners - staffies, along with other bull terrier types, are unfortunately very popular among people who do not behave as responsible dog owners, and who are specifically looking for dogs with aggressive characteristics to enhance their own 'image'.

It is those owners' lack of proper socialization and training of their dogs that is most likely to result in a dog with aggressive tendencies. Under the care of an overly-permissive or uneducated owner, with a lack of proper exercise and a poor diet, 'Pit Bulls' can become dangerous dogs - as can ANY BREED of dog when mistreated. Indeed, only this week it was reported in the newspaper that a rottweiler was killed after attacking a child. It was reported that the dog's actions were a result of it being 'a dangerous dog that never should have been sold'. Only later in the report are we told that the dog had received NO EXERCISE at all for 5 MONTHS. Who's at fault there: an intrinsically 'dangerous' animal, or a completely irresponsible and cruel owner? The owner of the dog that was put down was not, in that instance or indeed in many others like it, punished or even held to be responsible.

As a result of ignorance, a lack of preventative action and widespread misinformation around these facts, the Staffordshire Bull Terrier is a target of breed bans. This mistaken belief that staffies are dangerous dogs is, as stated earlier, due to many people branding Staffordshires under the same name as pit bull type dogs. The German government tried to ban the breed in September 2000 across the EU, but were stopped by representatives from the British Kennel Club.

Since the 12th of August 1991, Pit Bulls - 'Specific breeds and similar cross-breeds' - have been the subject of a ban under the Dangerous Dogs Act:

'The Dangerous Dogs Act 1991 is a piece of UK legislation that was introduced in response to various incidents of serious injury or death resulting from attacks by aggressive and uncontrolled dogs, particularly on children. These incidents received heavy tabloid attention, causing widespread public concern over the keeping of dangerous dogs and a resulting legislative response.

Under the 1991 Act (and as amended in 1997) it is illegal to own any Specially Controlled Dogs without specific exemption from a court. The dogs have to be muzzled and kept on a leash in public, they must be registered and insured, neutered, tattooed and receive microchip implants. The Act also bans the breeding, sale and exchange of these dogs, even if they are on the Index of Exempted Dogs.[1]

Four types in particular were identified by the Act:

Pit Bull Terrier (a description which has led to some confusion, as the "Pit bull" is not a breed in and of itself but encompasses a range of breeds)
Japanese Tosa
Dogo Argentino
Fila Brasileiro
The Act also cover cross breeds of the above four types of dog. Dangerous dogs are classified by 'type', not by breed label. This means that whether a dog is prohibited under the Act will depend on a judgement about its physical characteristics, and whether they match the description of a prohibited 'type'. This assessment of the physical characteristics is made by a court.'

Now.
Staffordshire Bull Terriers are, in fact, extremely good natured, non-aggressive and social animals by their nature, with a natural intelligence and great affinity with humans. It is known to have a character of indomitable courage, high intelligence, and tenacity. This, coupled with its affection for its friends, and children in particular, its off-duty quietness and trustworthy stability, makes it a foremost all-purpose dog. It is one of only two breeds named as 'Good with Children' in their breed standard by the UK Kennel Club, from over 190 breeds. It is THE ONLY BREED OF DOG that has been classified as 'Totally Reliable' in it's breed standard.

Here endeth the lesson.

Asda - bunch of twats

2008-08-22T06:49:00.000-07:00

'A children's book by Dame Jacqueline Wilson is to be altered after parents complained it was inappropriate.
Publisher Random House says it received three complaints about a vulgar term used in My Sister Jodie, which is aimed at children aged 10 and over.
In future editions, the offending word will be altered by one letter and replaced with "twit".
Dame Jacqueline, creator of Tracy Beaker and a former Children's Laureate, has sold more than 30m books. She is known for tackling gritty social subjects such as teenage pregancy, domestic violence and failed suicides.
The decision to alter the text came after supermarket chain Asda announced it would stop selling the book.
Their move followed a complaint from one shopper in Stanley, County Durham.'

I've long been fascinated by the work of the silverhaired elf that is Ms Wilson. I think she's a very clever lady and she's undeniably one of the country's most popular writer for kids, but her books ARE a wee bit ridiculous and unrelenting in their 'kids in care, mums with tattoos' motif. It illustrates very well how fascinated children are with 'dark' themes in their literature: almost as well as Roald Dahl's books, in which there's barely a single parent who isn't dead and a child who isn't orphaned and horribly mistreated (and, in some cases, is forced to take themselves off and live in a peach as a result).

However, I digress. The fact that Asda were planning on dropping one of Jacqueline Wilson's books from stock because it contained the word TWAT, while happily -and agressively - pushing sausages that cost 2 pence each, that are singlehandedly helping to destroy the British pork industry and that are made of substances unfit for human consumption strikes me as the worst kind of hypocrisy.

"We'll act as guardians for your children's psychological and moral welfare, but we'll feed them virtually inedible shit that will one day kill them. Every little helps! Oh no, hang on, that's not us".

The World, according to Max Clifford

2008-08-20T04:34:00.000-07:00

Jade Goody is a not-especially-interesting woman from Bermondsey who appeared on a reality television show a few years back.
Having been demonised for the entire duration of the original show ("Kill the Pig" was, I believe, one particularly glorious Lord of the Flies-esque Sun headline) for being working class and lacking intelligence (her type are allowed on telly, you understand, but only if we can perform the televisual equivalent of poking sticks at them through the railings), she was latterly 'taken to the nation's bosom' after the News of the Screws' finest sobered up and realised that they might've gone too far.

Fast forward a few years, Jade's done alright for herself: she's found a lucrative niche putting her name to a rags-to-riches autobiography and selling the obligatory weight loss DVDs, alongside featuring in yet more reality television nonsense where she parades her stupidity and perceived lack of social grace for the public's entertainment, in a modern take on the Victorian freak show. She's got a couple of kids, a big house and all is going far better than she'd ever hoped.

Riding the wave of - if not affection - then certainly the public's bemused tolerance, Jade returns to the reality television format that made her 'name' (it brought serious cash, after all, if dubious public merit) and during yet another interminable run of 'Big Brother', took part in a little bit of light afternoon bullying against another grubby, fame-hungry glass-eyed contestant.
Unfortunately for the unsuspecting Jade - whose inane and preposterous public utterings had, up until that point, brought her nothing but pitying applause, a "gawd luv er" pat on the head and a banana - the ringleader of the nasty little bitching trio of which she was part - one Danielle Lloyd - was, while an utter guttersnipe, younger and considerably more attractive than Jade was, and not quite so unforgiveably and uncompromisingly 'common', despite making a living as a tit model. A scapegoat was needed and Jade, too successful for anyone's comfort by this point, was never going to come out of it well.
Oh, and to make matters far worse, the 'victim' in this case was Indian, and therefore Ms Goody's typically ill-thought-out jealousy-induce 'popadum' comments, fit only for a 1970s playground, were taken by the press to be a transgression of modern social values akin to that of Robert Mugabe's.

Jade's fall from grace was perceived, then, to be complete and irreversible. Jade herself didn't quite understand what she'd done wrong (let's face it, she'd done nothing differently) but she figured that she'd enjoyed the barely-earned fame and riches while they lasted.

But, people, Jade had one very powerful tool at her disposal, one that will never accept surrender, even in the face of unsurmountable odds, and/or Kerry Katona: step forward, Mr Max Clifford.
Nobody but nobody, rises to a challenge quite like Max Clifford. The man could publicly rehabilitate Stalin, given half a chance and the collusion of the tabloid press.

This week, Max scored the best - and truly the most tasteless - coup of his career. Knowing as he does that there's nothing the public loves more than a sob story, Max has apparently used Jade Goody's cancer diagnosis to shoehorn the poor cow back into the hearts and affections of the bovine-like British nation. Cancer, in celebrity world, is the trump card that beats every hand going: where once you were a filthy degenerate scrubber, suddenly you are 'vulnerable' and 'brave'.
As if that weren't perfect enough, the carefully stage-managed setting and manner of the relevation were positively fucking taoist in their circular perfection: Jade Goody apparently 'learned' that she had cancer, on the INDIAN VERSION of the same reality television programme that both made and broke her. Front page sympathies all round.

Max Clifford: You truly are an evil genius, adrift in a cynical world without anything approaching a moral compass. I would salute you, really I would, but I really, really don't want to.

'FRIENDS of cancer-stricken Big Brother star Jade Goody told of her terror last night.
Jade, 27, was said to be “very upset and frightened” as she flew home to London.
The reality star arrived at Heathrow in tears after the flight from Mumbai where she discovered her cancer bombshell during India’s BB-style TV show.
Jade, who returned for cervical cancer treatment, sobbed: “I don’t want this.”
Earlier her publicist Max Clifford said: “She’s very upset and frightened as you can imagine.
“The most important thing is to get Jade back and get her with the right people so they can take care of her.”

Jade had tests at the Princess Alexandra Hospital, Essex, earlier this month after mysteriously collapsing four times.
She was given the diagnosis in a call from her doctor in the Bigg Boss Diary Room on Monday, as we reported yesterday. In footage obtained by The Sun, she is seen running into the main house to tell contestants that she had been given “bad news”.
Jade sobbed: “I have cancer. It is bad, needs urgent treatment. I immediately need to go home.” Jade then packed her bags before leaving the house. The scene was shown with her permission.

She knew there was “a strong chance” she had cancer before flying to India — but said she needed the £100,000 show fee to support her two sons.
Before entering the house, she said: “I have to pay my bills. And if I do face cancer, I need to make sure I can support the boys.”
She even offered to go back on the show after surgery. Jade wanted to make amends for alleged racist jibes at Shilpa Shetty on Celebrity BB in 2007.
Jade had been on Bigg Boss — hosted by Shilpa — for just a day.

Sun readers left messages of support for Jade on our online forums.'

Hanky Spanky indeed

2008-07-14T05:29:00.001-07:00

Now look. I'd be the first person to defend a man's right to dress up as a Nazi and have his arse walloped by a bemused gang of prostitutes if that's what floats his boat. He's not harming anyone, the women in question were all being paid handsomely, and frankly I've heard of less palatable, considerably more offensive sexual quirks that pass under society's radar unquestioned. (Clearly, it doesn't help if your name is Moseley in these sort of circumstances.)
But really - if you've BEEN caught, and the world's most hypocritical journalists (step forward, News of the World's finest) have had a good belly laugh at your expense, and you've kept your job and the majority of your professional colleagues publicly on side - SURELY the thing to do is to take a wee step back, have a cup of tea and wait for the fuss to die down? The fact that the man didn't really do anything that terrible is precisely the reason why it would all have been forgotten in a month or so had he have shut up and just got on with his life.

If anything, Mr Moseley has shown us what a proposterous, arrogant kinky old tit he really is by his response to this 'scandal' rather than his participation in it...

'Motorsport boss Max Mosley has tried to make his sadomasochistic sex session sound like "nothing more than hanky-spanky", the High Court has been told.
In his closing speech, Mark Warby QC, for the News of the World, said witnesses had attempted to make it sound "like a worthy activity".
It alleged a "sick" Nazi-themed orgy had taken place, but he disputes the paper's portrayal of events.
Mr Warby said witnesses talked of "meetings" or "parties" and were uncomfortable using the word "brutal".
He said in the evidence for Mr Mosley there had been an attempt "to present it as some kind of worthy activity attended by the most strict health and safety precautions as though it was all being carried out under the guidance of the Bondage and Sadomasochism Regulatory Authority.
"It was even compared with cowboys and Indians, as though it was nothing more than a dressing-up party for grown-ups.
"There was an attempt, we suggest quite deliberately, to turn it all into some kind of farce, or to make it sound like a tremendous giggle."
The newspaper's case was that the events were "truly grotesque and depraved," he added.'

Is Carla Bruni an alien?

2008-07-10T05:54:00.000-07:00

I mean, I know she was once a highly paid, very successful model and all, but look at her: isn't there something slightly strange, slightly (may I say?) sinister about the woman's physog?

Education - how to get a glowing report

2008-06-24T02:35:00.001-07:00

And in a further rant about academy schools...

The government has just unveiled the sponsors for its latest round of academy schools. There are 51 'new' (I use the term loosely, given that more often than not we're referring to formerly-state schools that the government has highjacked for its vanity learnin' project) academy schools opening this September, all of which have received a paltry £2m in funding from private business, in exchange for the control of young minds.

As yesterday's Daily Telegraph succintly put it,

'Teaching unions criticised the scale of the expansion, saying that companies with no track record in education were being given control of state schools. For as little as £2 million investment, organisations gain overall control of the governing body, dictating teacher's salaries, the curriculum and policies on admissions and exclusion.'

Course, the government wouldn't be so crass as to allow companies to force their own educationally biased agenda on state educated youths, would it?

Hmmm. Unless you consider that the vast majority of academy school sponsors are religious organisations which, historically, have never been all that shy in pushing their own agenda - think Spanish Inquisition and the burning of heretics at one end of the scale, and Vardy's creationist-led academy schools at the other.

Academy and Trust schools were, let's not forget, brought in by a man whose religious beliefs dictated his decisions as the head of the UK government, and who now - following an indecently hasty conversion to Catholicism - now believes he's going to sort out the 'problems of the Middle East' as head of a faith organisation. Tony Blair, your audacity is breathtaking. Shockingly, frighteningly, delusionally breathtaking.

However, I digress: the shining light of this round of academy sponsors? Step forward, Sellafield Ltd. That's right - the folks that brought you the warm, cuddly and educationally-relevant Sellafield Nuclear Plant.

The school they're sponsoring, the new West Lakes Academy, with be formed by the merger of two existing secondary schools and will specialise in science and business enterprise.

Question: what do you suppose the school's budding scientists are likely to be taught about sustainable, environmentally-friendly energy resources and their future viability by this non-biased, nuclear energy-sponsored centre of scientific excellence?

I for one would love to know.

Final Word on the Matter of Coldplay

2008-06-16T06:34:00.000-07:00

WHAT. A. COCK.

'Coldplay singer Chris Martin has walked out of a BBC interview while promoting the band's new album.
Nine minutes into the pre-recorded interview for Radio 4 arts show Front Row, the 31-year-old asked to leave the studio as he was not enjoying himself.
The band's drummer, Will Champion, was left to answer questions from presenter John Wilson until Martin returned for one final question.
Coldplay's new album, Viva La Vida, was released on Thursday.

Martin appeared uncomfortable with the interview from the outset.
When asked about a speech he made at a music awards ceremony in 2005 where he said the band would be away "for a very long time", Martin said: "I always say stupid things and I think Radio 4 is the place that will most remind me of that."

Presenter Wilson questioned whether the new album - full title, Viva La Vida Or Death And All His Friends - was a morbid reflection of the band's lyrical obsession with death.
"I wouldn't agree with you there at all, no," said Martin.
"I'd say you're journalistically twisting me into saying something I don't really mean."
A few minutes later, Martin said he was "not really enjoying this" and that he did not really like "having to talk about things".
Champion answered the remaining questions before the frontman returned to answer a final question, about finding new musical territory, with the response: "Um....yes...yes, yes....exactly..."
Sales figures released by the Official UK Charts Company confirm Viva La Vida sold 125,000 copies in its first day on sale.
It looks certain to be number one in this Sunday's album chart despite only being released towards the end of the week.'

I figured it was best to repeat this nonsense in its entirety, as there is really nothing more to be said.

Thespology

2008-06-16T06:25:00.000-07:00

So this is quite bizarre. Kevin Spacey has been appointed a ‘Professor’ at Oxford University.
First surprise: that a University can appoint someone as a university teaching Professor who is not….well… a professor.
Second: That Spacey is apparently replacing Patrick Stewart in the job. Yes, that’s Patrick ’baldie’ Stewart. Curiouser and curiouser.

But that’s not the bizarre bit. Because it turns out that Spacey has been given the job in order to ’promote interest in contemporary theatre at the university’.

So, that’s an Oscar winning A List actor, being hired to increase an interest in a middle class cultural pursuit among the wealthy middle class and educationally privileged?
For why?
Perhaps when he’s finished doing that, some bright spark could see whether he fancies offloading some snow, ice and reindeer offcuts to the Inuits?

‘Double Oscar winning actor Kevin Spacey said it is an "honour" to be named as a University of Oxford professor.
The American Beauty star will be the next Cameron Mackintosh Visiting Professor of Contemporary Theatre at St Catherine's College, Oxford.
Spacey, who is also artistic director of The Old Vic Theatre Company, will succeed actor Patrick Stewart when the next academic year starts in October.
His role will be to promote interest in contemporary theatre at the university.
Spacey said: "It really is an honour for me to have been invited to follow such illustrious names and take up this role at Oxford.
"The university is steeped in tradition and has a great heritage in the arts and I look forward to working with the students and staff.
"I relish the challenge ahead and am excited for term to begin."'

Shame Academy

2008-06-10T03:01:00.000-07:00

Wonderful news this morning. The government is (once again) threatening to close the country’s ‘failing’ schools if they don’t buck up their ideas and improve their exam results:

Almost one in five secondary schools in England is to be given a warning to improve exam results or face closure.
The government is targeting 638 schools, in which less than 30% of pupils achieve at least five good GCSEs including English and maths.
The £400m standards drive, which will create up to 70 new academies, is to be launched by Schools Secretary Ed Balls.
Academies in deprived areas could "break the link between poverty and attainment", said Mr Balls.
The National Challenge, to be launched on Tuesday, will require every secondary school in England to have achieved this GCSE benchmark within three years.

This appears, on the surface, to be the same tired routine this haven’t-a-fucking-clue government has been churing out for the last couple of years. In the face of a total lack of voluntary interest from schools (run by people who actually work in the teaching profession and therefore tend to know better), this is its not-particularly-subtle way of forcing them to sign up to one or the other of its wildly unpopular academy and trust school programmes (which, taken together, effectively amount to the privatisation of state education). After all, they can’t just abandon them as a bad idea, given that central government and the DfES have backed the programmes and several billion has already been spent.

“If you don’t sort yourselves out, we’re going to turn you into academy schools! Yes we are. Look at us, and our tough no nonsense approach to education. More money over here, throw more money on the fire! That’s the ticket!”:

There are 27 secondary schools in Birmingham, 33 in Kent and 13 in Manchester facing this exams ultimatum.
The improvement plans will mean the acceleration of the academy programme, with 313 of these independent state schools set to be running by September 2010.

Look a little closer, though. The list of schools in question, released by the BBC today, actually includes 26 ACADEMY SCHOOLS. That is, those schools that have ALREADY been strong-armed into adopting academy status, and for which the move has made ABSOLUTELY NO POSITIVE DIFFERENCE WHATSOEVER. What a heart-stopping surprise this must have been to everyone except the schools, their teaching staff, everyone at the DfES and the cuddly Ed Balls himself. Or not.

What are they going to threaten to do with the academy schools that are failing, turn them into ‘Super Academy’ Schools? Extra Strong Academy Schools? ‘New’ Academy Schools? Or will they just raze them to the ground and be done with it, safe in the knowledge that no child of a ludicrously-overpaid Education Dept MP will ever set foot in a ‘failing’ school?

So the long and the short of it is, they’re going to close down a load more schools, knocking a few of them down and rebuilding them at a cost of millions for the sheer hell of it (well, if you’ve got the budget you may as well spend it, eh?), and reopening them as all singing, all-dancing academy schools, part-sponsored by mad right wing christians, second-hand car salesmen-turned-creationists (Google VARDY and ACADEMY SCHOOLS, I haven’t the heart to go into it this morning) and anyone else with a raging ego problem, a desire to control malleable young minds and a spare two million quid. (The bulk of the cost of this continuing farce will be shouldered by you and I, obviously, but don’t expect to be greeted warmly when you propose that all the children in YOUR chosen school should be taught that Jesus was made of blancmange and all French people are actually descended from Ghengis Khan. And you can forget about the knighthood, as well, since you ask).

This, people, is the end of state education in the United Kingdom, as exercised by the stinking remains of what was once the Labour Party. If I still had any energy left from having tried in vain to explain this to people over the last few years, I’d weep from anger and, frankly, from the sheer sadness of the situation. But the fact is, nobody’s noticed what’s been going on in our country’s education system, and those that do don’t seem to care, so what’s the point?

Misery Porn

2008-06-09T09:00:00.000-07:00

Now then.
Please tell me that it's not just ME that finds this whole 'misery memoir' business quite sick? You know the kind of stuff: I was abused as a child, I adopted abused children who abused me/abused others, my husband was an abuser/paedophile, I was made to eat dog food, my dog was abused, my parents were evil, I was driven to drugs/booze/crime/sexual depravity by any and all of the above.
The kind of barely readable pap that can be niftily shorthanded as 'This is evil, this is dirty, look, look' literature.

It all started with Dave Pelzer, who has so far managed to make for himself a VERY lucrative career by writing increasingly (and increasingly suspiciously) lurid accounts of abuse at the hands of his mother, without once in several hundred pages of his first book 'A Boy Called It' even attempting to speculate as to what might have driven his mother to her actions. It's not the psychology of it the readers are interested in, you see, any more than the consumers of hardcore pornography are interested in the reasons WHY sexy young sluts love c**k (oh come on, don't act shocked, you get the same spam messages as me...).

Isn't the voracious reading of books with titles like "Please Daddy No" simply the barely-disguised ambulance-chasing 'acceptable' face of paedophilia?
If you get your jollies reading about children being abused in a book you bought from Amazon, is that REALLY psychologically all that much more depraved than getting your jollies from an account of child abuse you picked up, wrapped in brown paper, from a back street shop in Soho? (And, obviously, I do mean psychologically on the part of the consumer, I'm not suggesting that the sale of paedo porn is fine and dandy with me).

Do you really need to read about little girls being sold to dockers for sodomy purposes to know that child abuse is very unpleasant indeed?
Of course you don't.
So what are so many people (they're DISTRESSINGLY popular) reading these books for, if not vicarious enjoyment?

The perplexing thing is how upset people get when you suggest that their reading these books is a mild form of sadistic voyerism. Though that fact is plainly true, people see themselves as such sensitive bleeding hearts for reading this guff, that it never actually occurs to them that they're not sensitive wee flowers at all but that they're getting something out of it. Somehow, like other forms of pornography, the whole thing would be less offensive if people just admitted that they like it because it turns them on. Grubby beggars.

Or am I just too cynical for words?

Hot House

2008-06-09T08:56:00.000-07:00

Look! It's a big pink hash house. And apparently this isn't a trailer for a new children's telly show (oh how I wish it were). It's actually a 'new technique' being used by police to detect "cannabis factories" through thermal imaging.

How many 88 year old grannies 'feeling the cold' do you think will be arrested by knacker in riot gear before they realise this plan might have a few flaws?

Australians: they LOVE a foreigner

2008-06-02T05:34:00.000-07:00

What I find so eternally amusing about Australia - a place where some (myself among them) would argue that racism is more ingrained and more widely tolerated among general society than most other nations (except perhaps France) is just how pointlessly and passionately they claim the opposite to be true. Australia WANTS to see itself as a place where everything is fair dinkum, where everyone gets "a fair go", and where there really honestly isn't a mountain of ill-informed prejudice against all brown folk festering just beneath the surface.

See, for example, the desire to prevent the opening of a new Muslim school in suburban Sydney is NOT an illustration of the society's knee-jerk Islamaphobia, it's about planning issues:

Councillors for Camden, a small town on the outskirts of Sydney, unanimously voted against the proposed school for 1200 pupils. The councillors said they based their decision solely on planning grounds, citing an internal report about its environmental impact.
The proposed development had met with fierce local opposition. Camden's authorities received some 3,200 submissions from the public about the school and only 100 in favour.
Camden's mayor, Chris Patterson, stressed that the decision to reject the proposals was not made on religious or nationalistic grounds. "It is a site issue, clearly a site issue," Mr Patterson said after the vote.'

Oh:

'Tensions reached their height last November when two pigs' heads were left on the site of the proposed school...'

Family Fortunes

2008-06-02T05:04:00.000-07:00

It really is so nice in situations such as these to see that troubled, unhappy and dangerously ill people can rely upon the dignified, discreet and unwavering support of their loving families....*

2nd June 2008, BBC Online:

''Agitated' Gascoigne is sectioned

Former England footballer Paul Gascoigne has been sectioned under the Mental Health Act.
Hertfordshire Police confirmed he was taken to hospital on Sunday following reports that he was acting strangely in Hemel Hempstead.
A police spokesman said he approached a member of the public and appeared to be unwell and in an agitated state.
He was previously detained under the Mental Health Act in February following an incident at a Tyneside hotel.'

2nd June 2008, The Daily Star:

'THE sister of troubled football legend Paul Gascoigne fears he has less than four months to live.
Anna Marie Gascoigne fears her brother may not survive to be at her wedding in October.

And she said she only discovered how bad his addiction to booze was when he necked an entire bottle of gin in front of her – in one go.'

* for further evidence, see any and all articles written in the past 18 months about Amy Winehouse featuring "her worried father Mitch"

Blue Peter Badges

2008-04-30T05:55:00.000-07:00

So, according to this morning’s Currant Bun, “brave” ‘Prince’ William just took a long weekend trip to Afghanistan, to “experience a war zone”.

Sorry, did I say long weekend? I meant a 3 hour, heavily guarded pit-stop.

Which, in the grand lottery of conspicuously egomanical faked displays of bravery, puts him somewhere like 1000 notches below Bob Hope, and a good 250 notches below Marilyn Monroe, both of whom at least took the trouble to entertain the troops in Vietnam and Korea when they got there. (Lindsay Lohan apparently “wanted” to visit US troops in Iraq, but I have been unable to confirm whether she actually bothered).

It’s lovely for young William that he’s being allowed to play soldiers in every division of the country’s armed forces – meanwhile, let’s all try our best to forget what a pitiful and absurd waste of time and money the whole preposterous puff actually is, and gloss over just how inconceivably insulting it is to REAL service people.
Cos look, he’s having such jolly japes! Last month William earned his Velcro wings, and promptly adopted a £15,000 an hour Chinook helicopter as a personalised taxi service (employed for stag do attendance and visitations for leg-over with the approved royal bird). In a few weeks, I understand, they’re going to give him an ickle inflatable Navy badge, proving that he’s capable of fucking about in a dinghy for six weeks or similar. One can only hope he doesn’t get any ideas about dislodging HMS Belfast from its moorings and taking it for a jolly old spin down the Thames, like any good hooray might.

However, he’s still got a long way to go before he gets anywhere near to his dad’s utterly NODDY military record. By 2006, having last seen active service over 30 years previously, ‘Prince’ Charles held a ‘four star rank’ in the armed services. Believe it or not (and it might be less painful not to), the bogus-medicine-touting, general-public-robbing snivelling little buffoon is officially a general in the Army, an admiral in the Navy and an air chief marshall in the RAF. And he wears his medals with pride.
At last count, Charlie had 31 decorations in total (mostly given to him by his mum. Which, frankly, is about as underwhelming as you or I stitching our cycling proficiency badges to our work uniform). These included, according to the BBC:

1: Order of Merit, civil version
2: GCB
3: Queen's Service Order (New Zealand)
4: Queen's Coronation medal
5: Queen's Silver Jubilee medal
6: Queen's Golden Jubilee medal
7: Canadian forces decoration
8: NZ commemorative medal
9: Knight of Most Noble Order of the Garter

Government drug pushers

2008-03-12T07:03:00.000-07:00

Oh, and as for the government whacking another 11 pence on the price of a packet of cigarettes, thus effectively increasing the money they make from smokers, a group of people who they insist on treating as social lepers for indulging in their habit, well I for one see nothing hypocritical in that.

If they want to effectively ban people from smoking - essentially forcing them into quitting by preventing them from smoking except sneakily in their own homes (or, for those with children, guiltily out the window), then fine, go ahead and do it. It's a ridiculous habit that kills you. But you can't impose the most rigid anti-smoking legislation in Europe on people and then expect - in the same year - to make bucketloads of extra cash from the very same drug habit you so haughtily and publicly condemn.

Oh no, wait, you're the government. You can do what the hell you like.

Moving on!

Budgetary Bullshit

2008-03-12T06:24:00.000-07:00

So, as a tokenistic 'worthy' gesture for this year's budget, the government has decreed that supermarkets are allowed to charge customers for the use of plastic bags.

How thoroughly decent of them.

Don't suppose anyone has bothered to point out to them how typically greedy and hypocritical it is of our nation's cuddly supermarkets to charge YET ANOTHER premium (along with the premium you're charged if, say, you like you buy fruit that has a chance of ripening before 2012) to its customers without doing a damn thing to improve its own environmentally and socially despicable behaviour?

Because, obviously, it is the ignorant customer's ignorant adoration of the mighty Asda bag that is the sole cause of environmental damage from throwaway plastics, and absolutely nothing at ALL to do with the supermarkets' continuing hateful habit of wrapping its food in grotesquely excessive and unnecessary packaging.

It's enough to make a person weep.

Mature thinking

2008-03-03T10:03:00.000-08:00

Erm.... Jacqueline love, as one of the most popular children's authors in the country, who writes on subjects like children living in care, children with troubled tattooed mothers and children with dead mates that they talk to... do you not think there is something a WEE bit hypocritical in complaining that kids are maturing too quickly?

'Children's author Dame Jacqueline Wilson has expressed concern that youngsters are growing up too quickly.
"I think children act like adults at an alarmingly early age," said the Tracy Beaker creator.
"It's good that we want the best for our children nowadays, but perhaps we should remember they are only children and need a little loving guidance."
Her remarks came as a poll suggested that more than half of parents believe childhood is now over by 11.
The 62-year-old author, who has been writing for more than 35 years, said: "Nearly all the children in my books want to wear make-up and dye their hair and pierce their ears. Because I write in the first person people often assume that this is my point of view - but I'm actually pretty strict and old-fashioned.
"I know girls are desperate to look cool.
"But I wish they didn't all want to wear very high heels and inappropriately tight, trendy clothes."'

"Nearly all the children in my books want to wear make-up and die their hair and pierce their ears".
Hmmmm.... Wonder where our prematurely maturing pre-teens get the idea from?

Gullibility Goulash

2008-03-03T07:56:00.000-08:00

Lovely story, this.

Man cons Americans into giving him work and money and fame by claiming to be a big mate of the Queen. Surely as old as the hills. Except this story is particularly hilarious for the sheer implausibility of the man's claim - among other things, he said that he had made Charles and Diana's wedding cake. At the age of 16.

The fun is not in the fact that the man is such an out and out fantasist (he liked to be known as "Sir Robert Irvine, Knight Commander of the Royal Victorian Order"), merely that he appears to have been given his own television show, his own kitchenware range and a lucrative publishing contract before anyone actually twigged. Splendid work.

'A British chef who reportedly invented his knighthood, gifts from the Queen and stints in the White House has been dropped by his US TV employers.
Cable channel Food Network says it will not be renewing the contract of TV chef Robert Irvine, from Wiltshire, because of "inaccuracies" in his CV.

Mr Irvine told a Florida newspaper he was "truly sorry" for the errors.
He said he had made up parts of his work history because he had felt under pressure "to keep up with the Joneses."

Mr Irvine, 42, is host of a popular US cooking show, Dinner: Impossible, where he and his team of chefs work against the clock to produce food in challenging circumstances.
He has also written an autobiography, Mission: Cook, published last year - as well as heading a company that sells his own-brand cookware.
He said there were five levels of knights, and KCVO is the highest level of knight you could be. The Queen handpicks you.

According to the St Petersburg Times a Florida socialite, Wendy LaTorre, recalled that when Mr Irvine arrived in Florida, he told her he had a castle in Scotland.
He reportedly also claimed to have cooked for US presidents in the White House, was a friend of Prince Charles and had been knighted by the Queen. He also apparently helped to make the cake for Prince Charles and Lady Diana's wedding.
"It was an English fruitcake that weighed over 360 pounds," he told the Toronto Sun. "I worked on these elaborate side panels, which told the history of the royal Windsor and Spencer families - in icing!"
When asked by Ms LaTorre how he would like to be introduced, Mr Irvine said he would like be known as "Sir Robert Irvine, Knight Commander of the Royal Victorian Order."
She told the St Petersburg Times: "He said there were five levels of knights, and KCVO is the highest level of knight you could be. The Queen handpicks you."

"Sir" Robert's impressive CV helped him secure wealthy backers for ambitious plans to open two upmarket restaurants in St Petersburg.
But, following his exposure in the local paper, the restaurants remain vacant and Mr Irvine's contract for a fifth season of his TV show has been cancelled.

Mr Irvine, originally from Salisbury in Wiltshire, admitted to the St Petersburg Times that he had had made up parts of his CV because of social pressure.
He said: "When I first came down there and I met people down there with all this money, it was like trying to keep up with the Joneses. I was sitting in a bar one night and that came out. It was stupid."'

'If you think about it there's thousands of troops out there'

2008-03-02T02:21:00.000-08:00

'Prince Harry insists, "I'm no hero".'

That is correct. Well done. Give the boy a lollypop.

Still, it's encouraging to see what young Harry can figure out all by himself when he "thinks about it".

A condender, surely, for preposterous understatement of the year?

2008-02-19T07:25:00.000-08:00

'The man accused of killing teenager Sally Anne Bowman has told a court he regrets having sex with her corpse.
Mark Dixie claimed he did not realise she was dead until after he had sex with her body, the Old Bailey heard.
Mr Dixie, 37, denies murdering the 18-year-old in Croydon, south London, during a sex attack, in September 2005.
Giving evidence, he said: "I don't know what went through my mind. I took full advantage of someone and I should not have done it."'

That's right, Mark. You had sex with a murdered (almost certainly by you) teenage girl who had been stabbed repeatedly and was covered in blood. Your insight is remarkable - you should not have done that.

'The court heard Miss Bowman was found in a pool of blood in the driveway of her home in Blenheim Crescent. Prosecutors allege Mr Dixie stabbed her seven times and raped her as she was dead or lay dying.
But Mr Dixie has told jurors that he found Miss Bowman's body after a drink and drugs binge. He told the court: "I have gone over it during the last three years. I don't know what went through my mind.
"All I saw was a pair of legs... shirt put down to the waist and I took advantage of her. Anthony Glass, QC, defending, asked if he thought she was dead or unconscious.
Mr Dixie said: "I would not have expected to see anyone dead in that street. I thought she might have passed out or fallen over."
But he admitted there was no reaction during the sex attack, even when he bit Miss Bowman.
Anthony Glass, QC, asked Mr Dixie, "Did you, in fact, realise she was dead?"
To which he responded: "After a while. I panicked. I stood up. I looked at her. I did not know what to do."
Mr Dixie described how he then placed cement dust and concrete from a nearby skip on Miss Bowman's body to conceal his DNA.

The trial continues.'

Fear for Hire

2008-02-19T05:05:00.000-08:00

The old "always use black cabs instead of mini cabs, they're massively expensive, but they're safe" line taken by Transport for London is starting to look a little thin, if you ask me.

And is it just me, or is it faintly depressing – if predictable – that as many as 30 women who were sexually attacked by a black cab driver hadn’t thought it worth their time to go to the police?

‘A taxi driver has been charged by police investigating a series of attacks on women in black cabs. John Worboys, 50, of Sovereign Crescent in Rotherhithe, south-east London, is charged with rape, sexual assault and administering a substance with intent. The charges follow an investigation into five attacks in which victims were picked up in a black cab near Oxford Street, Kings Road or London Bridge. Mr Worboys will appear at Sutton Magistrates' Court on Tuesday. Following appeals, a further 30 women have come forward. Many of the women said they had been entrapped by a cab driver who pretended to have won money, then gave them drugged champagne or wine before attacking them.’

Raining on Jay's Parade

2008-02-19T04:38:00.000-08:00

Upon reading the Guardian at the weekend (well, I am technically middle class, even if I DO live on a council estate) I came across this rather lovely, typically-Guardianesque defence of supermarkets from none other than Jay Rayner (food critic and offspring of Clare “with wings” Rayner, last seen in the Observer rubbishing a £250 per head lunch he’d eaten on the paper’s pay a few weeks back).

According to Jay Rayner, supermarket dominance in Britain is not a bad thing really. He does concede that they use bullying tactics to force small businesses into bankruptcy, that they sell overpriced shit food that makes us obese, and that they have turned our high streets into a monotonous wasteland (he doesn’t go into the catatrophic effect their sourcing practices have had on the food chain, but we’ll add it to the mix for luck). He does so rather eloquently, as you can see:

‘“We know that massive supermarkets have been squeezing producers for years, slicing margins which, in turn, has had a knock-on effect on the quality of produce. The excesses of industrial food production in this country are a direct result of the buying policies of the supermarkets. We know that the big out-of-town stores have been wiping out independent retailers and turning high streets into deserts of boarded-up units. More recently, the march of the smaller, local outposts of the big four, particularly Sainsbury's and Tesco, has made them look like rampaging armies. First, they operate a scorched-earth policy. Then, they invade and occupy the wasteland they have created. Job done.’

However, despite conceding all that, somehow Jay has nonetheless managed to conclude that, actually, rejecting supermarket dominance is simply a sign of middleclass, liberal pomposity. Of which he is not guilty, naturally; despite being of the Guardian-reading liberal classes, he himself is clever enough to see past his own prejudices, you understand.

According to Jay, the general public (i.e. people what are poorer and less discerning than him) need supermarkets because they’re too busy slaving away down coal mines and pushing their kids up chimneys (and whatever else he imagines the working classes do between the hours of 9 and 5) to actually shop for their products in hopelessly outdated institutions like fishmongers and greengrocers.

He goes further to inform us that, actually, supermarkets are a FEMINIST concept. Yes, that’s correct. Jay Rayner gleefully tells us that, if it weren’t for Tesco, women across the country would be unable to go out to work:

‘To extrapolate from all of that to the equation that supermarket equals bad is not only a mistake, but dishonest. Almost all of us use them and for one simple reason: they are bloody convenient. Not simply convenient as in that's more time for leisure pursuits. They are convenient as in they enable us to keep family and work life on an even keel. Why, in the years before mass retailing, did one parent stay at home and the other go out to work? Because keeping the house supplied was a full-time job. Whenever I have to listen to a full-on rant from my foodie brethren about the evils of supermarkets and why we should all shop only at local independent retailers, what I hear, unconsciously or otherwise, is an argument that is distinctly anti-woman.’

Lovely idea, Jay, but it probably comes as news to women like my 86 year old grandmother who, after being widowed at the age of 21 in 1941, had to work, bring up three children AND (gasp!!!) buy her sausages from her handy local – sorry, evil and misogynistic – butcher, all without the help of an Asda hypermarket.

I suspect it might surprise most people to learn that the women of Britain didn’t go out to work before 1960, come to think of it. It seems extraordinary to me that Jay Rayner can pronounce in a national newspaper that women “before mass retailing” stayed at home en masse to cook the family tea without anyone challenging such an absurdly misplaced notion. He’s Clare Rayner’s son, for Christ’s sake, surely his schooling was expensive enough to learn him better….?

But Jay’s not done. He goes on to rubbish the journalist Felicity Lawrence, who wrote the 2004 book Not on the Label. Why? Because apparently the only reason she stopped going to the supermarket and shopped locally instead was because she was a bored, spoilt middle class mother with nothing better to do:
‘Alongside her detailed investigation into the way the likes of the chicken industry worked was a knee-jerk anti-supermarket rant. 'I began to look on the supermarket raid with dread,' she wrote. 'When my second child arrived, I knew I couldn't face loading two children into the car each time I needed something. Besides, we wanted somewhere to walk to pass the day so I started shopping locally on foot again.'
Lucky old Felicity. She needed something to do to pass the time. Here in the real world, of crippling mortgages and rising utility bills, two salaries aren't a luxury. They are a necessity and anything that eases the pressure on family life is a godsend. Is this ideal? No, but it is the reality.’

Why thank you, Jay 'Feminist Icon' Rayner, where would women be without your sisterly solidarity? Oh yeah - in our local shops. But still - still - he’s not finished. As well as championing the feminist cause, apparently supermarkets also do a fabulous job of promoting inner-city racial integration – the supermarket is “the one truly integrated place in the local community”, enthuses Jay.
I for one would never have guessed it, but Jay says that Tesco in Brixton sells products targeted at black people. Proof positive, people.
(The inclusion of this extraordinarily revelatory point has nothing to do with Jay’s desire to shoehorn in a reference to shopping in Brixton, you cynics – his experience is quite obviously an authentically gritty and urban one, even if he does feel it necessary to inform you that he is wealthy enough to shop at his local deli as well as stocking up on Tesco’s basic range shampoo and tinned tomatoes):

‘The social aspect goes further. As I pointed out to the reporter who was shadowing me that day, the supermarket where we shop is the one truly integrated place in the local community. Its customer base crosses ethnicity and class in a way that nothing else in multi-ethnic Brixton manages to. The glorious if often unreliable covered market in the centre of Brixton doesn't do that and nor do the food boutiques to Brixton's south, where people such as me are able to spend the extra income they are lucky enough to have on prime ingredients. As a result, the supermarket responded directly to that clientele. Ours has shelves full of ingredients targeted directly at the Afro-Caribbean community.’

Incidentally, Lawrence’s book, for anyone who wants to read a proper analysis of supermarket retailing, is a good place to start. Not on the Label gives a frightening but necessary outline of just what supermarket practices do to our food (read the chapter on chicken and you’ll never be in the same room as a battery chicken ever again – Fearnley-Eats-it-All has nothing on her). It was also one of the books (along with food writer Joanna Blythman’s series) that convinced me to stop shopping in supermarkets altogether.

Stopped altogether, you say? Yes indeed. My home has been blissfully supermarket-free for over a year now. I buy all my vegetables from the local greengrocer, all my fish from the local fishmonger (I’m one of the very, very few people still lucky enough have one, thanks to Jay’s cuddly supermarket chains) and all my meat from my local butcher.
And no: I’m not an overpaid city worker living in Chelsea. The irony – as Jay would know, if, like me, he lived in Hackney – is that it is actually the POORER areas of town that tend to be the best served by local retailers (although curiously, Jay has decided that Brixton market is not multi-ethnic like what Tesco is, so maybe he just hasn’t twigged yet). The reason? We have a very socially and culturally mixed population, and our local shops have been established by local people to serve the local community, which includes Brits, Turks, a large number of Poles and Kurds and a whole mix of other folk. My greengrocer has bundles of ripe and edible fruit and veg that you can’t find (anaemic, vacuum wrapped and rock hard, naturally) on the supermarket shelves. It works for me (a local resident) and keeps him (a local businessman) in operation, despite what Jay says about Tesco and Asda better serving the needs of inner city working folk.

My local shops are also just around the corner from my flat, which means that it’s no trouble at all for me to fit in shopping around my full-time job, picking up just the right amount of unpackaged food I need a couple of times a week. It takes less time than traipsing round a freezing cold soulless box of a supermarket, it’s much more tactile and pleasurable, it involves virtually no food waste and it’s quite markedly cheaper.

I can honestly say I’ll never go back to supermarket shopping again. Unless of course I move somewhere more upmarket, obviously: in those sort of neighbourhoods, there’s no reasonably priced, friendly, small local stores to be found (only the overpriced delis and grumpy 'Costcutter' type merchants of Jay Rayner’s experience). The numbers of decent local stores have been steadily decreasing since the 1960s and now, for most people, supermarkets are not a choice but an obligation.

Just don't try and explain it to Jay - I don't think he'd quite understand.

Cheat Eating

2008-02-18T08:33:00.000-08:00

Delia Smith has released a new cookbook. I like Delia Smith. She's quite down to earth ("Come and 'ave a go if you think you're 'ard enough") and she seems to know a thing or two about food. I like food very much, and I like people that don't hypocritically lecture me about what I should eat (I'm looking at you, Oliver). Therefore, stands to reason I should like Delia.

Except today I discover that Delia's 'new' cookbook, How to Cheat at Cooking (which, by the way, is not new at all, having been released in the early 1970s - albeit with slightly crappier cover photography) contains a recipe that involves frozen mashed potato. (They tell me the recipe is for cupcakes but I simply cannot believe that madness... I know Delia likes a drink but I doubt she's on crystal meth, which would be the only explanation for such a culinary abomination.)

Seriously, though. Delia, what's happened love? FROZEN MASHED POTATO? You're supposed to like food, woman! I'm all for taking the snobbery out of food and reintroducing the concept of cooking as an egalitarian activity, but for f**k's sake, what's next? Super Noodle Stew? Scotch Egg and Walnut Whip Surprise? Frozen mash is cookery 'cheating' in a league of its own, Delia; frankly it is criminally deceitful to the tastebuds.

The idea of the country's best cookery presenter and writer putting together a book like this is, frankly, depressing in the extreme. When our national lack of skill and interest in the kitchen and the preparation of food has reached such critical depths that even Delia Smith is forced to admit defeat, when even she has conceded that there simply is not point in trying to help us cook properly and resorts to writing a book designed only to boost the coffers of the supermarket chains, it's time to weep, it really is.

Canine Whine

2008-02-18T06:21:00.000-08:00

Oh for god's sake. Only in the Antipodes could a musical track THAT ONLY DOGS CAN HEAR reach number one. Effectively what that means is that vast numbers - a group of people in its thousands, let us not forget - actually went out and spent their money on a recording of what, to them, was effectively silence.

Holy Moly might think that the mad Welsh couple who're being violently harrassed for changing their names to Victoria and David Beckham are "the stupidest people alive", but surely this proves that competition is fierce?

'The makers of a chart-topping song only audible to dogs say they hope it can become a global hit. A Very Silent Night - a Christmas number one in New Zealand - raised money for the country's Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals. A spokesman admitted he did not know how the CD - recorded at a frequency inaudible to humans - sounded to dogs. The track, which raised NZ$22,000 (£8,900), could now be released in the US and Australia, the spokesman added.'

Grammy Grotesque

2008-02-11T03:29:00.000-08:00

"Alicia Keys opened the show with a "duet" with Frank Sinatra"

Hmm? What? She did what?

Bye Bye Mr Hillary

2008-01-21T04:02:00.000-08:00

Now, I like a mountain climber as much as the next woman, but it says a lot about a country’s dearth of celebrity when the funeral of an octogenarian mountain-shimmier lies IN STATE prior to his funeral being broadcast in the capital city’s main park.

(LOVE the portrait though.)

'Hundreds of New Zealanders paid their respects to Sir Edmund Hillary, the first climber to scale Mount Everest, ahead of his state funeral on Tuesday. Mourners gathered at Auckland's Holy Trinity Cathedral to file past his body as it lay in state.
Prime Minister Helen Clark, who attended a short ceremony at the cathedral, described Sir Edmund as "New Zealand's greatest hero". The renowned climber died of a heart attack on 11 January at the age of 88. Tuesday's state funeral will be broadcast across New Zealand and shown on a giant screen in an Auckland park. Early on Monday, Sir Edmund's flag-covered coffin was brought into the cathedral, where he will lie in state for 24 hours. Local Maori offered a traditional welcome as military personnel carried the casket.'

Hospital Filth

2008-01-18T08:27:00.000-08:00

If I told you that Leslie "the ugly blowfish" Ash was capable of earning £5m from 'acting' roles while resembling a startled truck tyre, would you believe me?

No, I didn't think so.

Unfortunately, the irresponsible c**t that was presiding over Ash's negligence case against the NHS was considerably more gullible than you and I. He actually believed that Ms Ash was no longer able to work as an actress because of her inability to play the “attractive young blonde characters” for which she was known (erm....HELLO??? I don't think that transformation can be blamed on the fucking NHS, do you?!). As a result, Ms Ash has received £5 MILLION of our money in compensation for her having contracted MSSA in a Chelsea hospital, in an out-of-court settlement.

Now. I take a dubious view of sueing hospitals in most cases (and yes, of course there are exceptions). If you're the victim of hospital error, it's a horrific experience for all concerned. But I'm afraid it does happen. That's life, and that's death, I'm afraid. Shit happens, and it sucks when it does. Hospitals and medical workers will do their best to save your life if you find yourself in need of treatment, but they can and will make mistakes. If they have to pay out millions every time they make those mistakes, where does that leave the healthcare system? If everyone who's ever suffered from having contracted MRSA or MSSA sues the hospital in which they've contracted it, what will happen? We'll end up with a healthcare system similar to that in place in the obscenely-litigious US, where poor people in certain parts of the country no longer even have access to fair medical assistance. (If you don't believe me, read Gavin Esler's United States of Anger).
Maybe, instead of paying out millions in compensation, we should use the cash in the NHS's litigation contigency pot to start paying full-time cleaners instead of hiring minimum wage contract staff who couldn't give a monkeys about the cleanliness of hospital wards?

Every time you sue the NHS you are taking money out the healthcare budget that could be used to provide a better service, and ultimately, to save lives. It is really that simple.

All of that aside....according to close members of her own family, who went on the record in national newspapers to this effect - Ms Ash was only in hospital in the first place because she was beaten up by her husband.
I'm not a fan of domestic violence, and I don't make a habit of blaming the victims of domestic violence for their unfortunate situation either.
But - but - the fact is that Ms Ash not only denied that she was being beaten up by her partner, but went further still to claim that her injuries were a result of "rough lovemaking". Hmmmm. I don't know about you, but I can't think of many occasions on which my own sexual activity resulted in broken ribs and a punctured lung. Suffice to say the word "lovemaking" doesn't seem too appropriate.
So Ms Ash very publicly protected her husband rather than use her position in the public eye to make a difference to the victims of domestic violence, to let them know that there were alternatives to living with male aggression in their home. Sorry, I mean "rough lovemaking". I mean, given that she was apparently capable of independently earning MILLIONS, she wasn't exactly forced back into a rough-lovemaking situation through poverty, was she?

You might say that the reasons for her being in hospital in the first place are irrelevant. But frankly, I don't care. Why should a woman who ended up catching a bug in hospital because she was drunkenly rough-loved by her fella receive more compensation than everyone else? (Ash received more in this one payout than all the MRSA-infected compensation recipients between 2002 and 2006). It DOES make a difference why she was there, and I'll armwrestle anyone who says otherwise.

Secondly, MSSA - which is NOT the same thing as MRSA, despite what cretinous Sun journalists might tell you (try looking up the definition of the word 'resistant') - is NOT "caused by poor cleanliness in hospitals".
Yes, cleanliness or a lack of it is a major contributory factor to the rise of superbugs in hospitals, but it is by no means at all the only thing that causes it. Anyone that wants to understand a bit more about how drug-resistant nasties like MRSA come into being might want to try learning a bit more about antibiotics and their uses and abuses - particularly within the human food chain. (John Humphrys' The Great Food Gamble has a frightening but interesting chapter on this subject). It isn't all the NHS's fault, people.

This £5m payout, by the way, comes on top of a £250,000 payout that Ms Ash had already received in June this year. So that's Leslie Ash set up for life - she can now stick sufficient botulism in her face to cause her to MOO should she wish to.

For the sake of the National Health Service, though - and to protect it from greedy f**kers like Ms Ash - I for one hope she goes private for her next bout of elective surgery.

Model Behaviour

2008-01-18T08:22:00.000-08:00

Deary me. So much to annoy me this week, I barely know where to begin.

A good a place as any, however, is the story about the child modelling agency which stuck a 'Madeline McCann' lookalike on its books, in the (remarkably naive, it must be said) hope that the kid would earn fortunes. Presumably by hawking her 'talents' out to Crimewatch UK or something. Anyway, apparently the story is true. Astonishing.

'The boss of a Streatham Hill model agency which planned to hire out a Madeleine McCann lookalike has received death threats.
Shona Adams, who runs Juliet Adams model agency, had hoped pitching a Maddy lookalike to movie makers could land the tot £9million per day and a 20 per cent cut for her.
Ms Adams discovered the missing girl's lookalike, three-year-old Kelsey Lynn Kudla, after Kelsey's mum emailed her from the US.
Kelsey's mum explained the pair had been stopped seven times in one day by people pointing out how similar her daughter was to missing Maddy.
Ms Adams said she had received approaches from more than 100 would-be doubles.
The 41-year-old shrugged off critics who said it would hurt Maddy's parents Gerry and Kate arguing there was nothing they could do about her plans in a democracy.'

Who knew incest could be funny?

2008-01-11T05:57:00.000-08:00

Hilarious story on the BBC today. Hilarious in a kind of “only because it’s not happening to me” kind of way, like when other people’s children fall off swings and suchlike.

Apparently, a set of twins who were adopted separately at birth ended up married to each other without realising.

Altogether now: ewww.

A court annulled the marriage after they found out the truth (wouldn’t want to have been in the room for that discovery), and the two unfortunate folks meandered away, mentally bruised and feeling slightly wrong in a way they couldn’t explain.

Except that’s not the end of it, because naturally, this is cue for lots of chin-stroking bullshit about the nature of genetic relationships, about “being drawn” to one another, about the rights and wrongs of adoption, and so on until the coma sets in.

The High Court judge in the case (always got their fingers on the pulse of modern living, that lot, don’t let the wigs fool you) said that the two had felt “an inevitable attraction”.

Oh really? REALLY? I don’t think so. I don’t think that what these poor folks felt was “inevitable”, any more than it’s inevitable that drunk women wearing short skirts end up getting raped (sorry, a strange tangent, I was just trying to follow the thinking of a High Court judge for a second there). What happened was simply an amazing – and for those involved, shitty and highly unfortunate – coincidence.

I mean, think about it, what are the chances? Seriously – what are the chances that such people are even going to MEET in later life, let alone fall into bed and marital disharmony with one another? Where do they live, the Isle of Man?

In real life (and/or major conubations), the chances of people meeting their genetic relations and falling in love with them by accident is so slim as to be irrelevant. And that’s it. All ill-informed “truth will out”, the “importance of biological relationships” social worker-stylee analysis is just so much pointless guff.

Yes, adopted folk should know who their biological parents are, because it’s important to them and they have a right to their own genetic history. But – and here’s the key thing – not because there’s a chance in hell they’re going to SLEEP with their genetic relations. To suggest as much is just to confuse (and add an entirely unhelpful layer of pseudo-smut to) an entirely valid debate.

By the way, one of the talking heads approached for this article was one Pam Hodgkins, chief executive officer of the charity Adults Affected by Adoption (NORCAP). Shouldn’t someone tell Pam that, when you change the name of your organisation, it’s generally considered sensible to change the acronym that goes with it?

‘A pair of twins who were adopted by separate families as babies got married without knowing they were brother and sister, a peer told the House of Lords.
A court annulled the UK couple's union after they discovered their true relationship, Lord Alton said. The peer - who was told of the case by a High Court judge involved - said the twins felt an "inevitable attraction". He said the case showed how important it was for children to be able to find out about their biological parents.
Details of the of the identities of the twins involved have been kept secret, but Lord Alton said the pair did not realise they were related until after their marriage.
The former Liberal Democrat MP raised the couple's case during a House of Lords debate on the Human Fertility and Embryology Bill in December.
"They were never told that they were twins," he told the Lords. "They met later in life and felt an inevitable attraction, and the judge had to deal with the consequences of the marriage that they entered into and all the issues of their separation."
He told the BBC News website that their story raises the wider issue of the importance of strengthening the rights of children to know the identities of their biological parents .
"If you start trying to conceal someone's identity, sooner or later the truth will out," he said. "And if you don't know you are biologically related to someone, you may become attracted to them and tragedies like this may occur."
Pam Hodgkins, chief executive officer of the charity Adults Affected by Adoption (NORCAP) said there had been previous cases of separated siblings being attracted to each other.
"We have a resistance, a very strong incest taboo where we are aware that someone is a biological relative," she said. "But when we are unaware of that relationship, we are naturally drawn to people who are quite similar to ourselves. And of course there is unlikely to be anyone more similar to any individual than their sibling." ‘

The consummate politician

2008-01-10T04:06:00.000-08:00

Christ. Just how many shades of wrong is this???

David Cameron, paying ‘homage’ to Morrissey? While I’d be the first to admit that la Moz himself appears kind of blue these days – the right wing, white supremacist witterings stopped being ironic in about 1997 – there is still something that sticks in the craw about this.

Once again, Dave proves to us that there is no bandwagon he won’t join, no people-pleasing nonsense in which he will not indulge in order to further his own cold, hard ambition.

And once again he proves just how far removed from reality he actually is: The Smiths is hardly cutting edge, zeitgeist stuff, is it?

‘Tory leader David Cameron is paying homage to his musical hero Morrissey by visiting the club which has become a place of pilgrimage for Smiths fans.
He will go to the Salford Lads Club in Manchester where the band were pictured for their 1986 album The Queen is Dead.
Mr Cameron, who chose the Smiths song This Charming Man on Desert Island Discs, is expected to meet volunteers.
But Salford MP Hazel Blears said Mr Cameron's visit would remind people of "the dark days of Thatcherism".
Mr Cameron said, during his Desert Island Discs appearance, that Morrissey's appearance on Top of the Pops was "an iconic moment for people of my age".’

New Account for Clarkson, if you please

2008-01-09T11:09:00.001-08:00

I love Jezza Clarkson - despite his starting-to-look-a-bit-silly attitudes towards environmentally-friendly modes of travel. I have done ever since I saw him on telly years ago refusing to pay a toll to drive in France on the grounds that, as a Brit, "he'd already paid for the road", before running into a Spanish fish factory to "steal back" a huge crate of freshly-caught fish.

What's not to love?

I digress.

Anyway, despite my fondness for the man, I did suspect that printing his bank details in the News of the World was probably arrogance on an ill-advised scale. I have been proven right in a hilarious - if entirely predictable - way.

(Oh, and see if you can spot Jeremy's second mistake in the story below...)

Clarkson stung after bank prank

TV presenter Jeremy Clarkson has lost money after publishing his bank details in his newspaper column.
The Top Gear host revealed his account numbers after rubbishing the furore over the loss of 25 million people's personal details on two computer discs.
He wanted to prove the story was a fuss about nothing.
But Clarkson admitted he was "wrong" after he discovered a reader had used the details to create a £500 direct debit to the charity Diabetes UK.
Clarkson published details of his Barclays account in the Sun newspaper, including his account number and sort code. He even told people how to find out his address.
"All you'll be able to do with them is put money into my account. Not take it out. Honestly, I've never known such a palaver about nothing," he told readers.
But he was proved wrong, as the 47-year-old wrote in his Sunday Times column.
"I opened my bank statement this morning to find out that someone has set up a direct debit which automatically takes £500 from my account," he said.
"The bank cannot find out who did this because of the Data Protection Act and they cannot stop it from happening again.
"I was wrong and I have been punished for my mistake."
Police were called in to search for the two discs, which contained the entire database of child benefit claimants and apparently got lost in the post in October 2007.
They were posted from HM Revenue and Customs offices in Tyne and Wear, but never turned up at their destination - the National Audit Office.
The loss, which led to an apology from Prime Minister Gordon Brown, created fears of identity fraud.
Clarkson now says of the case: "Contrary to what I said at the time, we must go after the idiots who lost the discs and stick cocktail sticks in their eyes until they beg for mercy."

Did you spot it? Did you? The bit where Jeremy reveals, again to an audience of millions, that "The bank cannot find out who did this because of the Data Protection Act and they cannot stop it from happening again."?

Good good.

These people are better than you

2008-01-09T08:55:00.000-08:00

Oh.

Oh dear lord.

I've just looked further into the 'alternative medicine' story and I am no longer angry. I am now bordering on sociopathic rage.

It SEEMS (intake of breath) that the Prince of Wales Foundation for Integrated Health - which will be running the council for regulating alternative treatments - is setting up the council using public money.

Yes - the Department of Health has given money (apparently around £2 million) to Prince Charles, non-tax paying, non-elected son of one of the world's richest women, the equally unelected Queen, to set up a governing body for fucking homeopathists.

I have always been a republican but I'm now starting to feel like the guillotine is too good for Charlie - too quick.

Now I'd like him to contract ebola or African trypanosomiasis, say, and die slowly. Course, if he follows his own advice on treating sick people, he inevitably would.

This man must never - NEVER - be given any semblance of real power. Or even be made King, for that matter.

Before I leave to go and punch a wall somewhere, a few points to think about next time you say "ahh, the Royals, they're harmless"

Last year, Charlie's Duchy Originals company - sorry, 'charity' - reported a profit of £1.2m on annual sales of £53m, and has generated £7m in profits since its operations first turned a profit in 1999.

The Royal family receive tax exemption from the Duchies of Cornwall and Lancaster - they do not pay corporation or capital gains tax. Prince Charles gains the majority of his income from the Duchy of Cornwall. In 2005, the public accounts committee called on the Treasury to justify why the duchies were exempt from corporation and capital gains tax. The taxpayer loses tens of millions through this exemption, from which the prince personally benefits.

In 2005, Prince Charles was given £1,584,000 grants-in-aid for travel and property maintenance and £489,000 from Government departments for other expenses, such as his PR team and official communications.

During that same period, his income increased by around £800,000 - he 'earns' around £14m a year, on which he pays around £3.3m in tax.

The Duchy of Cornwall is now valued at more than £551 million, after growing in value by nearly £46 million in 2005-6.

Oh, and one more for fun: when the Queen's mother finally kicked the bucked a couple of years back, Charlie and his lady wife moved into 'her' house, Clarence House. Unfortunately, thanks to the recently departed old dear, the soft furnishings smelled faintly of piss (I assume) and so he had to redecorate.

That redecoration, people, cost the British public (i.e. me and thee) four and a half million quid.

Angry yet?

Snake Oil Salesmen

2008-01-09T08:20:00.000-08:00

The 'alternative' medicine industry is to be regulated for the first time under a new law to come in in April. This can only be a good thing. Frankly, that conventional medicine (or, as I like to call it, 'medicine') is obliged to prove its effectiveness before trying itself out on people while the alternative lot wave their crystals about willy-nilly without having to deal with pesky concepts like 'truth' or 'effectiveness' is nothing short of scandalous.
So, all good so far - if you can overlook the fact that this council is to be self-regulated (always a highly effective way of implementing change, that is) and is backed by the clearly mad but nonetheless meddling Prince Charles. On this occasion, I think we should overlook.

However, reading the following nearly caused my eyeballs to blister:

'Millions of Britons currently spend £130 million a year on complementary treatments and it is estimated that this will reach £200 million over the next four years. Among the practices to be covered by the scheme would be aromatherapy, reflexology, massage, nutrition, shiatzu, reiki, naturopathy, yoga, homoeopathy, cranial osteopathy and the Alexander and Bowen techniques.
Research also shows that more than two thirds (68 per cent) of people in the UK believe that complementary medicine is as valid as conventional treatment.'

A majority of Britains believe that AROMATHERAPY is as valid as 'conventional treatments' like radiotherapy, you're telling me?

That makes me very angry. Very, very angry indeed.

Tell you what would calm me down a bit, though: if the government passed another new law requiring all 68% of those who believe in the validity of medicinal snake oil and the like to opt for crystal healing or Reiki as treatment when they get sick, or, say, run over by a large truck.

When my time comes, believe you me, I'm getting it scanned, cut out, burnt off, irradiated, lasered, you name it - whatever the terribly-untrendy medical establishment can throw at me, I'll take it. I quite like being alive.

And if the other cretinous 68% of the general public is off being massaged, sniffing oils or looking for fairies at the bottom of the garden at the time, it stands to reason there'll be no waiting list.

Result.

And that’s why mums go to the Job Centre

2008-01-08T05:21:00.000-08:00

And finally, some semblance of (albeit twisted and myopic) sanity has returned to the world of frozen vegetables.
I was beginning to think that the grotesque parody of a human being (sorry, I meant ‘Celebrity Mum of the Year’) that is Kerry Katona was going to actually have to smoke crack through a Heinz babyfood bottle, on Lorraine Kelly’s breakfast show, naked but for a couple of Iceland frozen sausage rolls strapped to her grotesquely inflated breasts and singing ‘My Way’ before she’d actually get the sack.

'Kerry Katona is reportedly being dropped from the Iceland television commercials because she is no longer seen as a model mother.
The 27-year-old former Atomic Kitten singer used to use the catchphrase "That's why mums go to Iceland" in the ads.
But Katona, who is expecting her fourth child this May, has been branded a poor role model after continuing to smoke while pregnant.
Iceland marketing director Nick Canning confirmed there would be less need for the former star in future TV commercials.
He told the Daily Mirror: "It is clear we have been hiring different staff including Jason Donovan and Coleen Nolan over Christmas.
"I'm not sure what contract we will be able to offer."
A source told the paper: "When Kerry was first hired she was perfect for the demographic of Iceland shoppers.
"But her reputation has gone before her, and she is no longer seen as the model mum she once was."
Katona's popularity with the public appears to be in decline.
She was voted the second worst celebrity mother in a poll in September, and was forced to deny being on drugs following an unusual appearance on GMTV in October.
In November, she was voted the most irritating individual in Britain.'

By the way, she isn't actually giving birth whilst Hello magazine capture the happy event for posterity (and cash), though it may look that way from the constipated expression in the picture. She's having the name of her latest offspring tattooed to the back of her neck. It's like the ASBO equivalent of a Christening. Bless.

Being a fashion stylist - in the words of a stylist

2008-01-07T08:26:00.000-08:00

The Emperor didn't pick out his own clothes, apparently. A stylist did it for him.

'For Katy England, who works with Alexander McQueen, her job is absolute perfection, but she insists, it is not rocket science. 'I didn't know what a stylist was when I left college,' she says. 'Now, with the celebrity culture we have, it seems as though everyone has to have a stylist. Most people could do the job to a degree. Magazines like Heat and Hello! show you how to do it. You can go into Topshop and put a look together.' (The Guardian).

If only I'd known years ago that the key to fabulous wealth lay in following a career path of abject pointlessness and vapidity. I'd have skipped college and screwed a popstar. Or topped myself as a result of misanthropic, impotent rage. Whichever came first.

Ban Philip Pullman. Ban Atheism.Ban children’s literature. Ban thinking.

2008-01-03T06:02:00.000-08:00

'A children’s fantasy film that stars Nicole Kidman and features a little girl on a quest to kill God has some Christian groups upset over what they believe is a ploy to promote atheism to kids.
The movie, “The Golden Compass,” is adapted from the first novel in a trilogy called “His Dark Materials” by English author Philip Pullman, an outspoken atheist. Critics fear that the film, due out in December, will encourage children to read the anti-Church series.
"These books denigrate Christianity, thrash the Catholic Church and sell the virtues of atheism," said Bill Donohue, president and CEO of the Catholic League.
The film itself is unlikely to offend — because New Line Cinema has tried to keep religion out of it, focusing on the story of a little girl named Lyra and her journey within a strange, parallel universe.
"'The Golden Compass' is an entertaining fantasy about love, courage, responsibility and freedom," a New Line spokesman said. "We look forward to the Dec. 7 opening."
But the removal of the Godless themes from the movie has some Christian organizations seething.
"They’re intentionally watering down the most offensive element,” Donohue said. “I'm not really concerned about the movie, [which] looks fairly innocuous. The movie is made for the books. ... It's a deceitful, stealth campaign. Pullman is hoping his books will fly off the shelves at Christmastime."
Some atheists and fans of the books aren't happy, either. They say the studio has caved to pressure from the Christian right by sanitizing the tale for the big screen.'

“Pullman is an outspoken atheist”. I love how they make that sound like he’s a kiddy fiddler or similar; I mean, the fucking Pope is an outspoken Catholic, or so I’m told – can we do something about him too, please? I think he's on a stealth campaign to convert women into childbearing drones whose major life choices are dictated by decrepid old men who live in the Vatican, but nobody's listening to me.

Anyway, Pullman. Well now JESUS, we’d better make sure those evil atheists never get anywhere near creative expression in the future, just THINK of the effect they’ll have on our INNOCENT – or, as we are doing our damnedest to be sure of, unthinking – children.
How DARE an atheist write a book! How dare it become one of the most popular books for children of all time! How dare he encourage freedom of thought in the minds of the young before we’ve had a chance to mentally batter all the questioning out of them!

It never ceases to amaze me how god botherers insist that theirs is an all-powerful, all-seeing deity, capable of making and destroying whole worlds, but yet can’t take even the wee-ist, the icklest bit of criticism. I reckon if your god is capable of striking me down and plunging me into the depths of hellfire and damnation for being a non-believer, he’s probably a tiny bit above your common-or-garden “God, mate, you’re a bit of an arsehole” name-calling.

Corporate annoyances of the year - and so it begins

2008-01-02T07:42:00.000-08:00

C and* A launches 'We CandAre'* eco plan

We C and are? Eh? That doesn't really work, does it? First person who guesses the size of the obscene pile of cash paid to a branding consultancy for that grammatical freakshow wins a copy of 'U R Gr8: Txt spk for the new generation'.

and....

Music and entertainment-related fashion brand Hard Rock International has launched the Bono Signature Series, which includes a T-shirt featuring the U2 musician, with the proceeds going to a cotton initiative in Africa.

Wrong. Wrong, I tell you. Does nobody see the irony in making a whole pile of cotton t-shirts that nobody wants nor needs, or indeed (discounting those padded-cell dwellers deemed too 'special' to qualify for care in the community) will EVER be able to wear without being beaten senseless, and then giving the 'proceeds' to cotton workers?

*(that should be an ampersand, but for reasons known only to itself, blogger doesn't allow them. You can stick up all the child pornography and pictures of women shagging horses you like, but an ampersand? SHAME on you).

Ninja Turtle

2007-11-09T06:31:00.000-08:00

Godfrey is not amused.

'Animal welfare officers are trying to find out who taped a turtle to a firework and set it off on Bonfire Night in Wrexham.
The creature, thought to be a female, was found by a dog in the back garden of a house in Rutland Road.
The firework had been lit and the turtle suffered a bash to the head, bleeding from the mouth and a cracked shell, the RSPCA said.
The turtle is being cared for at a north Wales specialist reptile centre.
On Tuesday morning the dog returned from the garden with what looked like a stick in its mouth.
Its owner was horrified to find that the stick was in fact a used firework which had a turtle attached to it.
The turtle had been taped to the rocket-type firework with white masking tape.
It is thought the firework was set off on 5 November, meaning the turtle had lain in the garden overnight until it was found by the dog early the next morning.'

Big Bugger

2007-08-31T07:20:00.000-07:00

Big Brother ends this week, I learn from the BBC News website. I say "I learn", because, with near tear-inducing relief, I can say that this has been the first year that the hideous gargoyle-fest that the show has become has completely passed me by.

One interesting snippet, though: according to the BBC viewing ratings, the programme achieved its highest ratings when Blah got evicted for Blah Blah in week Blah (details, like contestants, entirely irrelevant).

This 'highest rating' in question was just shy of 6 million viewers.

A quick perusal of the weekly viewing figures tells us that this peak of Big Brother excitement was deemed less interesting - and was watched by less people - than a mid-week showing of the dire and interminable knacker soap, The Bill.

Time to put it out of its misery now, SURELY?

Two for the price of One

2007-08-29T05:30:00.000-07:00

Right, now hold on a minute. Madonna ‘baby snatcher’ Ciccone has been told she can adopt a second child from Malawi. Confusingly, you might think, given that the Malawian government have, as far as I am aware, still not authorised her first baby-raid in the country.

She is choosing to pick up another one, apparently, because she wants to give ‘a sister’ to the first Malawian baby she took a fancy to. In order to “redress the balance”.

What the fuck does that actually mean? Redress what balance?

Do you mean that as a white woman adopting a black child you need to ‘provide’ said child with another black sibling, by any chance? Of COURSE you do.

Because that’s going to do what, exactly? Fool both children into believing that you’re their parent rather than just a patronising white woman with a defunct biological clock and a penchant for cute piccanninies? Miraculously make them feel that they ‘fit in’ to your life socially and racially? Somehow bring about their instantaneous familial identification without you having to do any of the seriously hard work that being an adoptive parent - a proper adoptive parent - actually involves?

Now look, you should have paid closer attention, really. You don’t actually NEED to pick up a second child of the same race and background to chuck into your oh-so-modern multi-coloured menagerie. Oh no. Any non-white poverty-stricken urchin will do, Madonna love. Look at Angelina Jolie - she’s been out there performing her own one-woman game of global baby Monopoly for years.

“I’ve got two Cambodians, one African…. Let me see. Has anyone got any hotels - sorry, I mean orphanages - on India?”

‘MADONNA has been given the green light to adopt a second orphan from Malawi — a 13-month-old girl called Mercy.
She’s been told she can take the “smiling angel” as a sister to David Banda, her first child from the African nation.
It follows months of legal wrangling over the adoption of 22-month-old David.
And to ensure all goes smoothly this time, Madge, 49, has told her lawyer in Malawi, Alan Chinula, to “cover all legal bases” before she collects Mercy next April.
Madge insisted she wanted to adopt a sister for David “to redress the balance”. Officials asked her to view up to TEN girls before deciding.’

They f**k you up, your mum and dad

2007-08-28T06:58:00.001-07:00

It seems that family strife is the theme of the day. Mere days after Britney Spears's mother announces she is taking the side of her own daughter's ex-husband in their custody battle, Britney finds herself dragged up on what sounds like an absurdly spurious child abuse charge of highly suspicious timing:

'IN another blow for BRITNEY SPEARS, the singer is now being investigated for possible child abuse.
According to reports in the States, the LA County Department Of Children And Family Services (DCFS) are "conducting an active investigation".
The star has not been accused of physically harming her kids, Sean Preston and Jayden James.
The complaint instead centres around allegations of poor dental hygiene, eating and sleeping habits.
It is also alleged that Britney's ex-husband KEVIN FEDERLINE instigated the investigation as part of their bitter divorce battle.'

Course, I'll retract without question if it turns out the undeniably-batty Ms Spears has been branding her kids with cigarettes and the like, but wouldn't you like to think that the girl's mother would try to find some way of supporting her own child through her troubles?
Let's face it, if you're prepared to make millions of dollars by dressing your teen daughter up as a sexualised schoolgirl-come-hooker, encouraging her to writhe around bleating 'hit me baby' for the general paedophilic delight of one and all, you pretty much have an obligation to stick around for the inevitable fall-out ten years after the fact, don't you?

Happy Families

2007-08-28T06:43:00.000-07:00

Golly. Not satisfied, it would seem, with outing her as a heroin addict a couple of weeks ago, Amy Winehouse’s parents-in-law have really been sticking the boot in over the weekend. Whether it’s the rare Bank Holiday sunshine that got to them, a burgeoning taste for the limelight, or simply the crisp sound of an old-fashioned tabloid cheque being waved aloft, it appears they simply couldn’t STOP themselves from further destroying the livelihood and sanity of their one-gentle-shove-from-total-oblivion daughter-in-law.

Firstly, daddy dearest “opens his heart” to the News of the World on Sunday in order to….erm….tell us all how Amy Winehouse’s drug problems are really nothing to do with his son - NOTHING AT ALL. In fact, it's pretty much all her fault:

‘POP druggie Amy Winehouse and husband Blake Fielder-Civil have been chillingly warned by his dad: "Stop or you'll end up dead like Sex Pistol Sid Vicious and his girlfriend Nancy!"
Pouring out his heart in an exclusive interview headmaster Giles said: "Drink, drugs and a history of self-harm is a worrying cocktail. I'm going to point out the Sid and Nancy comparison to Blake."
Despairing at his son's downward spiral since marrying 23-year-old wildcat Amy, Giles sighed: "You couldn't tell Sid Vicious what to do, could you? But I'd like Blake and Amy to think about those two. It might shake them up. I doubt it, but maybe."
…And shocked dad Giles, 42, told us: "They've fallen out and Amy's gone a bit frenzied. She's got her claws into his face.
"Blake's a dignified person. He wouldn't hurt Amy — not even in self-defence. But clearly she's gone hell for leather.
"It's nasty. The trouble is Amy does like to have her own way and she can be quite wilful.
"Maybe she wasn't allowed to continue whatever she wanted to do and this is how she reacted. Blake HASN'T been supplying Amy with drugs. But there are people close to her who do.
"And what Amy wants, Amy gets. Of course, my wife and I find that totally abhorrent….’

After disappointly failing to swing public sympathy away from the unfortunately troubled-yet-talented Amy and toward their own preposterous waste of skin and organs son, they came back for more today. And this is a cracker: they want the public to stop buying Amy Winehouse’s music. Because, according to them, that’ll stop her taking drugs:

‘The in-laws of the troubled singer Amy Winehouse today urged fans to stop buying her records – to send a message to her and her husband that they must sort out their drug problems.
The parents of Blake Fielder-Civil said that Winehouse and their son were drug addicts but in a state of denial. They also said the singer should not be given any awards for which she is nominated, to show the couple’s behaviour was not acceptable
Speaking to Victoria Derbyshire on BBC Radio 5 Live, Giles Civil said: “They are taking cocaine, we believe they are taking crack and there have been instances of heroin abuse. Clearly they are addicts but they are in abject denial.”
Georgette, his wife, said: “They both need medical help before one of them dies.” Giles added: “They are a very close couple. We are concerned that if one dies through substance abuse, the other will commit suicide.”’

Denying her professional success as a drugs intervention policy? That’s the ticket, you say?
Really. It’s a ploy that doesn’t seem to have worked too successfully with Pete Doherty. Let’s face it, he’s sold a fuck of a lot more stories about his mangy ex-missus to The Sun than he ever has albums, but that appears to have escaped this lovely couple’s attention. (Conversely, to imagine what a sudden about-turn in success would have done to the drug habits of the likes of Keith Richards or James 'PCP' Brown is too complicated a folly for this time of day, so I won't bother with it).

One can only hope that Amy Winehouse has the strength to sort herself out, and the intelligence to realise that getting rid of her grubby-looking drug-addled husband and his equally grubby family is the best place to start.
And if she doesn’t have the brains or the will to do that, let’s hope instead that her dad gets a second chance to throw a punch in the direction of the Fielder-Civils. It won’t get her off drugs, but I’d like to bet it’d make him - and the rest of us - feel a whole lot better.

Goody Lord

2007-08-24T06:32:00.001-07:00

Jade Goody - you know, the curious-looking woman who made a lot of money from reality TV and was then crucified publicly by the same medium that made her - has split up with her boyfriend. He's inexplicably become something of a celebrity himself, apparently, judging by the fact that his phizog ended up in today's Daily Mail. Nowt so curious and all that.

Anyhow, "of no consequence", you say, and you'd be right. But look:

'Mother-of-two Jade was reportedly devasated after splitting with Jack earlier this week.
The pair, who lived together in Jade's £500,000 home in Ongar, Essex with her two son's Bobby, 4, and Freddie, 2, had been dogged with claims of cheating throughout their stormy two year relationship.
Jade's agent, Sean O'Brien said of the break-up, "We are not commenting on that".'

Now, who'd have thought that Jade Goody would still have an agent?

A (famously not very) Tall Tale

2007-08-24T06:26:00.000-07:00

Altogether now:

HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhmmmmmmmmmmmm.

'Katie blames Tom Cruise's snoring for sleeping in separate bedrooms

It's an age old problem, and many a wife has suffered because of it - but not Katie Holmes.
Tom Cruise and wife Katie Holmes are reported to sleep in separate bedrooms, so she doesn't have to suffer his snoring.
A source told US magazine, Star: "It's a situation that works for both of them".'

Debt, Drunkenness and Dirty Kitchens

2007-08-16T09:34:00.000-07:00

The annual ‘A Levels are getting easier’ story is round again. Hard to believe it’s that time of year already.

Rather than drone on – as I would love to do – about the pointlessness of it all (of COURSE they’re getting easier, kids are getting THICKER) I thought I’d write my response to The Times’ ‘Ten Reasons to go to University’. They say:

1. You can make A Levels a thing of the past.

Yeah, ok, I’ve got no argument against that. Apparently once you get to Uni, nobody cares what A Levels you’ve got. Personally, I never noticed anybody caring what A Levels I got when I was doing the fucking things. Least of all my school teachers.

2. The work will actually be interesting.

Rather a ridiculous assumption, this. If you’re studying molecular biology, the work might be interesting. If you get your rocks off on molecular biology. If you’re studying English, on the other hand, the work will only ever be marginally interesting, on the grounds that there’s actually only the equivalent of a day a week to get interested in. The rest of the time you can either get a proper job, get drunk or masturbate. I don’t recommend combining these.

3. Learn to get on with people and make lifelong friends.

Learn to get on with people? What does that mean? Are we to assume that, by the age of 18 and having spent every weekday of their teenage life in the competitive social environment that is school, these kids haven’t learned how to socialise with other humans? What are they, fucking autistic?
And as for making lifelong friends, well yes, you’ll meet a very small number of people at University that you like and want to drink beer with, and lots and lots of people that you’d rather stab in the eyeball with a fork than share breathing space with. A bit like the rest of your life. Oh, except there’s generally more of the latter group to go around in a University. And they’re drunk. And dirty. And noisy. And living in the flat next door. Enjoy!

4. It’s your one chance to doss around.

Oh please. Have you heard of the dole? You don’t have to pay £3000+ a year for the priviledge of sitting on your arse going quietly out of your mind on the dole. Plus if you do go out of your mind (which you will if you live like a student in a squalid cesspit of an overpriced house in the shit end of town watching deal or no deal on television) they’ll give you extra as a disability allowance. Everyone’s a winner.

5. The graduate premium (i.e. cash)

According to The Times, if you have a degree you’re guaranteed to earn more money than if you don’t have one.
Excuse me momentarily…

A HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HA

Ah ha.

That’s a fucking good one. Must remember to tell that to my plumber next time he pops round. In his Mercedes.

6. It’s never too late

Oh, this is the mature student bit, isn’t it?
Well, yes, yes it is. If you’re 30 and you’ve got a mortgage and a job and some semblance of a secure and contented life and you’re hit by the sudden and INSANE notion that you want to render yourself unemployed and surrounded by fuckwitted teenagers for three years, what I suggest you do is go to a friend, partner or colleague and ask them to slap you repeatedly in the face with an iron bar until you snap out of it.

7. You’ll enjoy crazy experiences that you won’t find anywhere else.

True, true indeed. Nowhere else will you find people who consider a brigade of St Johns Ambulancemen a necessary precaution on a night out clubbing. Who bring home traffic cones for a joke because they’re just so post-ironically-fucking-funny. Who think that bathrooms need to be cleaned annually. Who talk inane shit incessantly but believe themselves more intelligent than the rest of society. At no other time in your life will you be patronised and hated by everyone else in society, and suffer in the humbling and soul destroying knowledge that they’re absolutely bloody right. Should I go on?

8. Think of your country!

This refers to the skills shortage. We need more highly educated people in this country, so going to University is…yeah, like a really good thing to do, yeah? Well, yes, until you realise that, three years down the line, you’re £15K in debt, you can’t afford to buy a postage stamp never mind a home, you’re up against every other ‘highly educated’ bastard in the country in a swamped jobs market, and you fuck off to America where they’ll pay you twice as much as here. Yep. University is a patriotic act, people.

9. What else are you going to do?

This is a reason to waste three years of your life, is it? Because you haven't the intelligence to think of anything more productive to do with your time? Jesus. I can hear the underside of the barrel being scraped from here.
Here's a suggestion: how about getting a paying job that will allow you to function as a contributing member of society?
Gosh, I found that question quite easy! Must be thanks to my superior education.

10. Learn how brilliant you can be

And that statement, ladies and gentleman, (from a currently-serving work-dodger) sums up EXACTLY what is wrong with students. Here endeth the lesson.

Come in, PC Khan...

2007-08-16T08:48:00.000-07:00

Now this is special. A senior police officer, by the name of Masood Khan, has been let off a wilful misconduct charge in court, brought against him for having sex while on duty.
Why?
Because he had his earpiece in the whole time. "On low volume". (LOVING the detail).

Brilliant. What was he going to do? Stop halfway through if a crime was committed? Can he hear suspect packages through his earpiece, then?

Admittedly, it was a bit excessive for him to have been brought to a Crown Court over the whole affair, but as a user of public transport, I've got to tell you that I don't feel particularly safe knowing that the man in charge of public safety (such as he is) was off in a Gatwick hotel room, rodgering some woman he met on the internet, when he was meant to be stopping people from trying to kill me.
(Oh, and as the beauty is in the detail, he met the lucky recipient of this twenty minutes of romance on a 'specialist' site for kinkies that are into uniforms. Naughty Plod.)

I'd say it's only fair that the police disciplinary board elect to give PC Earpiece more time - a LOT more time - to stick to what he enjoys best. At low volume.

'A senior police officer who admitted having sex with a stranger while on duty was cleared of any offence yesterday after the jury heard that he kept his radio earpiece switched on throughout. British Transport Police Inspector Masood Khan, 41, was charged with misconduct in a public office after a 20-minute tryst in a police office with a woman he had met on an Internet dating site.
The officer, who signed up for the website using the name Michael K Plod, told jurors: "It was an absolutely wrong thing to do, morally and professionally, and I shouldn't have done that."
But he claimed that he was always poised and ready to respond to an emergency because he had his earpiece in.
"If there was a call for me I would have answered it and dealt with it,' he said. It took the jury at Southwark Crown Court only ten minutes to clear him but Khan still faces a disciplinary hearing. The ultimate penalty is the sack.'

Fabulous Insult

2007-08-16T08:31:00.000-07:00

In today's paper there's a story about a minority religious (i.e. non-Muslim) sect in northern Iraq who are being targeted and murdered by Al Qaeda. (I'd feel sorry for them, were it not for their oh-so-predictable prediliction for stoning women, but I digress).

Not the most likely source, you'd think, for a funny.

And yet.

It seems that this "misunderstood" group are derided by Muslim Iraqis as, "peacock-loving, lettuce-dodging devil worshippers".

And here, fabulously, is why:

'The Yazidis are mainly Kurds, spread out in villages across northern Iraq and around Lalish. The temple is leased out each year to a different family, who are entrusted to maintain the leafy courtyards and smoke- blackened halls in good order, while taking whatever surplus profits are made from the pilgrim trade.

The entrance to the sanctuary is adorned with a large black snake carved next to the stone portal, said to represent the serpent that tempted Eve in the Garden of Eden.

On one of the walls of Lalish’s principal outside courtyard is a beautiful image of a peacock, representing the main angel created by God when he formed the world. One of the Peacock Angel’s names is Shaytan, the same as the word for Satan in the Koran, which has led to misunderstandings about the Yazidi being devil worshippers. He is, however, only considered as one of seven archangels created by God and revered by this obscure ethnic minority. The shrines and tombs of Yazidi leaders that dot the landscape of northern Iraq are often referred to by local Muslims as “Beit Shaytan”, of the House of Satan.

The taboo on lettuce is also obscured by secrecy and age, but is believed to have arisen because the name in the Yazidi dialect of Kurdish resembles the title given to the seven angels when they appear in human form, giving rise to an injunction that prevents worshippers from eating the body of those whom they revere.'

I prefer a shower

2007-08-16T08:16:00.000-07:00

India's Yamuna river is not, apparently, a source of holy goodness that local Hindus think it is. Unsurprisingly, perhaps, it's actually quite polluted. Just how polluted, however, does give pause for thought.

The Yamuna, in which thousands of people take ritualistic daily dips, according to The Times, "contains faecal waste 100,000 times the safe limit for bathing".

Yummy.

Born Free

2007-08-16T08:14:00.000-07:00

Just been reading – as you do – a feature about ultrasound procedures on pregnant women. Now here’s a fairly disturbing thing: the amniocentesis, which is done to test for Downs Syndrome on unborn babies, appears to be causing a not insubstantial number of women to miscarry wanted foetuses:

‘In a paper published in Ultrasounds this week, retired Dr Hylton Meire not only argues there is no scientific evidence to prove the 20-week scan is worthwhile, he also casts doubt on the reliability of the principal method of testing for Down's Syndrome - the nuchal fold measurement.
These tests do not give a yes or no answer to whether a baby has Down's, but an indication of risk. Those deemed to have a higher possibility are offered an amniocentesis, where a needle is inserted into the womb to give a much more accurate analysis.
Every amniocentesis carries a small risk of miscarriage, so women who are not carrying a disabled foetus in the first place can end up losing a perfectly healthy baby.
Using various figures, Dr Meire, formerly of King's College Hospital, calculates that as many as 3,200 healthy babies are lost in this way each year.
For every 50 live births of children with Down's Syndrome prevented, he says 160 women miscarry non-affected babies.’

That’s pretty grim as medical findings go, particularly when you consider that the women being tested in this way are usually older, thanks to the higher risk of Downs in pregnancies past the age of 40. To lose a desired baby at the age of 45 must be quite a choker.

Moreover, I find it a bit strange that aborting Downs babies is something that is seen as acceptable as standard – I mean, I GET it, depressing though the logic is, but it’s very specific. I’m not a doctor so I wouldn’t know, but aren’t people with Downs capable of achieving a reasonable quality of life? I’m not saying it’s a bundle of laughs to parent a child with disabilities, and I would never judge anyone for taking the abortion option when offered, but shouldn’t a person due to be born with Downs have the option to at least give life a go, however inconvenient it might be for the parents?
If the medical establishment deems it perfectly acceptable to abort a late stage foetus if it has Downs Syndrome, does it condone it for other disabilities? If having a disability means your life is effectively not worth the living, doesn’t it then follow that a person who, say, loses the use of their legs at the age of 10 should kill themselves? Are other disabilities aborted as standard? Other perceived ‘defects’?
And if so, why is Carol Vorderman alive?
(That’s called lightening the mood)……

"Take my mother-in-law..."

2007-08-15T05:18:00.000-07:00

So, Amy Winehouse is addicted to heroin. Can't say I'm surprised - her husband has the look of a smackhead about him, and she seems to be the type that soaks up her bloke's problems and personality defects like a giant human sponge, bless her.

But it's good to know that she's got the support,the comfort and above all, benefit of the DISCRETION of her mother in law, isn't it?

'Singer Amy Winehouse is reportedly addicted to heroin, according to her mother-in-law Georgette Civil.
Winehouse and husband Blake Fielder-Civil have checked into a rehab clinic in the U.S., according to newspaper reports, after the singer collapsed following three days of hard partying last week.
And now Fielder-Civil's mother tells the Daily Mirror newspaper, "You can't blame Amy, you can't blame Blake. They're just as bad as each other. It's the hardest thing in the world for me to say in public that my son and his wife have a drug problem...
"I know my son has had a drug problem ever since he was 20 and moved down to London. I needed to know about Amy's problems and we had a chat - just the two of us. She told me she was addicted to heroin and cocaine."'

"Just the two of us", Mrs ironically-named Civil? Surely that should read, "Just the two of us and several million Daily Mirror readers"?

PR Advice

2007-08-15T00:58:00.000-07:00

Now. That woman Sienna Miller.

WHO IS SHE?????

WHY is she in the papers?

I have never met anyone who has seen her films, and I have never met anyone that was interested in her. I know no woman who wants to look like her or dress like her, and I know no man that wants to bed her.

And yet, every day this week, I have endured pointless gossip stories about the woman and the 'conquests' she appears to change daily, like contact lenses.

Now, obviously, I realise that she's just one of those random blonde actress nobodies that the world of celebrity seems to inexplicably want to foist upon us -despite no discernible traces of talent or notability - but REALLY. Shagging Jude Law is all well and good, but it's hardly interesting on the 'doing a Britney' level, is it?

Note to Miller's PR: Enough already. Do you never SLEEP??? Put down the Red Bull, put DOWN the straw, and try leaving it at least a fortnight between each puff of 'dating co-star' guff, yes?

Gallic Wizardry

2007-08-14T03:14:00.000-07:00

Apparently, the French kid who posted a full translation of the latest Harry Potter book online will not, despite being arrested for his efforts, actually be charged.

Quite right too. In an age where society (oh alright, the Daily Mail) is up in arms on a weekly basis about falling educational standards, yob rule, teenage pregnancy and gun crime and the general all-round chavvishness of young people, I think it's madness to have arrested a 16 year old capable of singlehandedly translating a 700 page novel from English into French in less than a week. We should have given the little chancer a bloody honourary degree.

'A French teenager who was arrested for publishing his own complete translation of the latest Harry Potter novel online will not be prosecuted.
The decision to not sue for damages was made in agreement with JK Rowling, said the book's French publisher, Gallimard.

'The aim was never financial, it only aimed to protect authors' rights," said a spokeswoman for the company.
The official French language version of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows is scheduled for release on 26 October.
The 16-year-old, from the southern city of Aix-en-Provence was arrested last week.
He told police that he had not sought to make money from his unauthorised translation, which appeared within a few days of the book's release on 21 July.

Gallimard said France's anti-piracy squad had spotted the student's unauthorised Potter as part of a probe into organised networks that post pirated book translations online.
Investigators were reportedly struck by the "near-professional" quality of the boy's work.'

Ha Ha, Cowell, Ha Ha

2007-08-14T03:05:00.000-07:00

Hmmm. I wonder what the backers (if there are any) for your hate-inducing reality-telly-inspired-movie will be making of this, Simon Cowell?

If there really was a God (unfortunately in this case, there isn't) you'd be back making Zig and Zag novelty tunes by this time next year, you hateful little toad.

'A Broadway show which was based on the hit reality TV programme American Idol has closed after its first official night on stage in New York.
Idol: The Musical, which was dubbed a "satirical musical comedy", was originally previewed in July.
By the end of the month the entire cast had been replaced without explanation and fresh previews began on 1 August.
Producer Todd Ellis said he had scrapped the show "due to a lack of advance ticket sales".
He added that a "lack of positive feedback from audience members and critics and a lack of sustainable financial resources" had also fuelled his decision to close the show.

Earlier this month, American Idol judge Simon Cowell announced he was going to make a movie set behind the scenes of a TV talent show.
The film, currently titled Star Struck, will tell the fictional story of 10 contestants in a singing competition.
Cowell will help pick the lead characters from open auditions like those used on American Idol.'

I don’t feel like chicken tonight

2007-08-13T03:57:00.000-07:00

Today we learn that retailer Philip Green pays some of his Asian workers less than £4 a day to make manky cheap clothes with Kate ‘crackwhore’ Moss’s name scrawled across the label. This is a priviledge for them, apparently, as these workers are asked to pay local agents £725 in order to get the job in the first place.
Quite why anyone would expect a better ethical position from a man who refuses to pay fair taxes in the country that provides him his billions, just as those us who fuel his wealth by buying his sweatshop tat are obliged to do, is a mystery to me. This is a man who, upon turning 50, donned a toga at his own £1m party. Yummy. A man whose wife recently bought him a solid gold Monopoly board as a gift. Does that spell ‘caring and sharing’ to you, people?
Handily for those who have undergone trauma to the frontal lobe in recent years, The Times newspaper explains that this kind of thing is rather common and MIGHT JUST be the result of globalisation. (This, a full seven years after ‘No Logo’ hit the bestsellers list). As The Times shockingly reveals, the retail world’s terrifying obsession with offering absurdly low pricing to its consumers in Preston and Port Talbot means that the real cost is felt by others at different points along the supply chain, say, in The Phillippines and Pyong Yang.
At the same time, rumours are abound in the press that a mangy and anaemic-looking chicken, now being sold at Asda stores with a ridiculous £2 price-tag for an entire bird, might not actually be the true ‘bargain’ – or, in Asda’s own words, “iconic” - product it claims to be. (Antibiotic overdosing, broiler shed overcrowding, pork-protein injecting, loss-leader selling, supplier blackmailing, all the usual stuff).
Well bugger me backwards, REALLY???
Frankly, if you find yourself surprised by these pieces of information, you need, in my opinion, a damn good slapping. To be so ignorant of how the world works, to walk around with your eyes SO firmly closed that you hadn’t even bothered to think about what the true cost of your ugly Primark shift dress or your poultry-heavy diet might be, both to other people and to your own society, is actually offensive, in my view. Buy shit designer knock offs, by all means. Eat, as the EU says we do, the weight of a 7 year old boy in rank chicken every year. Tell yourself that the words ‘ethical’ and ‘consumer’ don’t belong in the same sentence. Go ahead. But don’t come over all mock-outraged when it’s pointed out to you what your consumerist greed really means and how we actually got here.

Duckie

2007-08-08T05:35:00.001-07:00

Look on the bright side - if we manage to actually kill of all beasties and birdies, we can make our own. Out of plastic. Like Florantijn Hofman.

Bye Bye Baiji

2007-08-08T05:23:00.000-07:00

Everyone loves a dolphin.

But damn, if we started regulating Chinese economic activity, think where it would lead! First it'd be the fishermen, then it'd be the factories. Before you know it, kids from here to Arkansas would have to start paying a fair price for their trainers!

Ah well. So at least there's still the common goldfish. They're cute, right?

'A freshwater dolphin found only in China is now "likely to be extinct", a team of scientists has concluded.
The researchers failed to spot any Yangtze river dolphins, also known as baijis, during an extensive six-week survey of the mammals' habitat.

The team, writing in Biology Letters journal, blamed unregulated fishing as the main reason behind their demise.

The World Conservation Union's Red List of Threaten Species currently classifies the creature as "critically endangered".
Sam Turvey of the Zoological Society of London (ZSL), one of the paper's co-authors, described the findings as a "shocking tragedy".
"The Yangtze river dolphin was a remarkable mammal that separated from all other species over 20 million years ago," Dr Turvey explained.
"This extinction represents the disappearance of a complete branch of the evolutionary tree of life and emphasises that we have yet to take full responsibility in our role as guardians of the planet."
If confirmed, it would be the first extinction of a large vertebrate for over 50 years.
The scientists added that there were a number of human activities that caused baiji numbers to decline, including construction of dams and boat collisions.
"However, the primary factor was probably unsustainable by-catch in local fisheries, which used rolling hooks, nets and electrofishing," they suggested.
"Unlike most historical-era extinctions of large bodied animals, the baiji was the victim not of active persecution but incidental mortality resulting from massive-scale human environmental impacts - primarily uncontrolled and unselective fishing," the researchers concluded.'

Lily Allen banned from the US

2007-08-07T08:33:00.001-07:00

And golly, wasn't her face a picture?

Should've kept a checklist

2007-08-06T06:13:00.000-07:00

This is really quite spectacular: the US government has admitted that it has "lost track of" (i.e. lost) nearly 200,000 guns that it has given to the Iraqi security forces.

Apparently weapons distribution within Iraq had been "haphazard and rushed", but happily, they're now reviewing their weapons distribution process in the country.

That will come, I'm sure, as an enormous relief to the US soldiers currently serving in the war zone, who, the same report also suggests, are enjoying the not-terribly-pleasingly-ironic experience of having Iraqi 'dissidents' take pot-shots at them with their own country's guns.

'The US military cannot account for 190,000 AK-47 assault rifles and pistols given to the Iraqi security forces, an official US report says.
The Government Accountability Office (GAO) says the Pentagon cannot track about 30% of the weapons distributed in Iraq over the past three years.
The Pentagon did not dispute the figures, but said it was reviewing arms deliveries procedures.

About $19.2bn has been spent by the US since 2003 on Iraqi security forces.
GAO, the investigative arm of the US Congress, said at least $2.8bn of this money was used to buy and deliver weapons and other equipment.
Correspondents say it is now feared many of the weapons are being used against US forces on the ground in Iraq.
The GAO said weapons distribution was haphazard and rushed and failed to follow established procedures, particularly from 2004 to 2005.

MISSING IN IRAQ
AK-47 rifles: 110,000
Pistols: 80,000
Body armour pieces: 135,000
Helmets: 115,000

During this period, security training was led by Gen David Petraeus, who now commands all US forces in Iraq.
The GAO reached the estimate - 111,000 missing AK-47s and 80,000 missing pistols - by comparing the property records of the Multi-National Security Transition Command for Iraq against records maintained by Gen Petraeus of the arms and equipment he ordered.'

Truly Desperate Dan

2007-08-06T03:15:00.000-07:00

This is so, so sad.

The Dandy is no more.

It would be bad enough if they were just ditching it. But no.

They're relaunching it as a fortnightly publication called (truly) Dandy Xtreme, which will contain a pull out section snappily entitled Dandy 'Comix'.
Because, as every brainless marketing wanker the world over kleerly no's, young people aren't interested in anything spelt correctly or that makes sense in any way.

This decision was apparently made because, and I kid you not, children are no longer able to fit comic-reading into "their hectic lives". Either the good folk at DC Thomson have a finely-honed (if embittered) sense of humour about such things, or the world really is going to utter shit.

'The world's longest running comic, The Dandy, has ceased to exist in its traditional format.
The weekly title has been changed to a fortnightly magazine called Dandy Xtreme.

Dundee-based publisher DC Thomson confirmed the comic had been given a major facelift in its 70th anniversary year.

It said favourite characters such as Desperate Dan would still feature in the central pull-out, Dandy Comix.
DC Thomson said the format of the publication had been updated because of feedback from readers.

'Too busy'

Dandy editor Craig Graham said: "Following extensive research, we discovered The Dandy readers were struggling to schedule a weekly comic into their hectic lives. They just didn't have enough time.

"They're too busy gaming, surfing the net or watching TV, movies and DVDs."

Mr Graham added: "They still enjoyed The Dandy, but if they were going to buy it themselves they expected more than just 'a comic my dad used to read'.
"They required a guide, packed with the stuff kids need to know to stay in the loop - a lifestyle magazine attuned to their hectic lives, featuring all the latest trends, must-haves, must-sees and must-dos.
"They made us promise to retain comics, but suggested we make our characters cheekier, edgier, and more extreme."
He added that the Dandy Xtreme would still qualify as the world's longest running comic because the publication had been updated, and not replaced.'

Living in Wonderland

2007-08-06T03:06:00.000-07:00

"We have a need for love and we have a need for sharing song and happiness and really enjoying this that we do have, and that is life"

Now, I love you dearly, Stevie Wonder, but this doesn't really answer the question, "Why are you touring again after ten years off?", does it?

Stick to the singing, methinks.

Going Down

2007-08-03T04:32:00.000-07:00

"I have been found guilty on charges I have made admission to from the moment of my first arrest"

Chris Langham

This really is the most fabulous 'not-quite-getting-it' statement I've ever heard. The man genuinely appears to believe that if you hold your hands up to a crime, you are somehow 'innocent' of it.

"Well, yes, officer, clearly I was stealing that car, cos what you saw me do it innit, but I've admitted it. Can I go home now?"

Clearly, Mr Langham has not seen Dave Caruso at work on CSI Miami. The legend that is Caruso gets a full confession from his "perps" at the end of every episode. EVERY EPISODE! But, as Langham ought to have taken note, he nonetheless always announces, with a final flourish, "you're going down for a very long time".

Should've watched a bit more Channel Five, rather than child pornography, that's what he should have done.

The whole way through this sordid trial, the chap seems to have had a frighteningly rudimentary grasp of how the law works with regard to paedophiliac behaviour. A couple of weeks back he was recorded as saying, in court, "I was very arrogant to think that the law did not apply to me".

Arrogant, sir? ARROGANT? What a strange term to use under these circumstances. You've really got to be quite divorced from reality to consider the collection of images of children being sexually abused as "arrogant", as opposed to "sick, nasty and illegal".

The law does apply to you, Mr Langham. Dave could've told you that.

Pop has eaten itself

2007-08-03T04:27:00.000-07:00

'Music mogul Simon Cowell has signed up to make a movie which will be set behind the scenes of a TV singing contest, according to industry reports.
The film, currently titled Star Struck, will follow 10 contestants trying to make it big in the music business.
Speaking to The Hollywood Reporter, Cowell said: "We want it to be the musical version of Rocky - an underdog story, a feel-good film."
Cowell hopes the movie will be ready for release by next summer.
The lead characters will be cast from open auditions similar to those used on talent shows The X Factor and Pop Idol.
Cowell, who will sit on the judging panel as he does in the TV programmes, insisted that he wants complete unknowns to star in the film.
"To enjoy the film, you've got to watch the actors and believe that they are contestants on a reality show," he said.
The film's writer is Jonathan Harvey who has spent the last two years following the music mogul around.'

Daddy Dearest

2007-08-02T03:15:00.001-07:00

I don't know why an ex-Spice Girl's love life should be of any interest to me, but I couldn't help noticing this:

'Spice Girl Melanie Brown has filed court papers in the US in a bid to confirm that actor Eddie Murphy is legally the father of her daughter.
Mr Murphy, 46, has maintained he is not the father of Angel Iris Murphy Brown, who was born in April.
The singer's solicitor, Gloria Allred, said a DNA test carried out in June had "established paternity, but paternity has not been legally acknowledged."
Ms Brown said Angel needs to know she was "planned and wanted by both of us".'

First of all, how is it possible that a DNA test has confirmed paternity, and yet Eddie "chivalry" Murphy can still get away with not making it legal?

And secondly, a word of advice, Melanie love: this man disowned your child before she was even born, and called you a liar and a cheat while he was about it. On television. Frankly, I would be less worried about your kid feeling 'loved' by her dad as it grows up, and more concerned with keeping her as far away from the man as is humanly possible...

Dead Biased

2007-08-01T02:41:00.000-07:00

From attacking the BBC to defending it in a matter of hours - who said I was fickle?

I'd just like to point out that, in the grand scheme of harmful broadcasting, faking someone's death on telly is probably SLIGHTLY more offensive than making the bloody Queen look a bit tetchy.

Wonder whether this story - like the Queen's tantrum episode - will make the lead item on the ITV news this evening?

'ITV has admitted that an Alzheimer's patient who "passes away" in the final scene of a documentary actually died three days later.
Publicity for the programme, to be screened next month, claimed it showed the final moments of Malcolm Pointon, a composer from Cambridgeshire.
ITV now says the footage was of Mr Pointon slipping into unconsciousness days earlier.
Film maker Paul Watson blamed the mistake on ITV publicity material.'

IT shocker

2007-07-31T07:35:00.000-07:00

I've just read that BSkyB has bought Alan Sugar's company for £125 million.

So, would that make Rupert Murdoch the first person to buy an Amstrad in about 20 years?

Casting Ouch

2007-07-31T02:32:00.000-07:00

Beowulf. An Old English heroic epic poem composed around 1100 AD, in which Beowulf, a hero of the Geats, battles three antagonists: Grendel, who is destroying Heorot and its inhabitants in Denmark, Grendel's mother, and a dragon.

What’s the first thing that springs to your mind when you consider this incredible piece of literature?

NOT Angelina Jolie, you say? Really?

You do surprise me.

'Finally, an Angelina Jolie movie her kids can watch. Jolie has signed on to star in a big-screen adaptation of the epic English poem "Beowulf" to be directed by Robert Zemeckis ("Forrest Gump").'

[FORREST GUMP. YES.]

'The film, like Zemeckis' previous movie, "The Polar Express," will use performance-capture technology to transform live acting into computer animation, according to The Hollywood Reporter. The story of the Scandinavian hero of the sixth century who slays a beast will star Ray Winstone ("Sexy Beast") as Beowulf, who saves the Danes from Grendel the monster, portrayed by the always creepy Crispin Glover ("Willard," "Charlie's Angels").
Jolie, who played Colin Farrell's youngish mother in "Alexander," will again portray a maternal character in the film, taking on the role of Grendel's mom.'

[GRENDEL’S MOM. MOM. I need a sit down].

'The cast also includes Anthony Hopkins, Robin Wright Penn and John Malkovich. The movie is scheduled for a 2007 release.'

Size Matters

2007-07-30T06:26:00.000-07:00

"Instead of Spiderman or Bratz dolls, children in the US could soon be clutching a talking Jesus toy, a bearded Moses or a muscle-bound figure of Goliath.
From the middle of August, Wal-Mart, the biggest toy retailer in the US, will for the first time stock a full line of faith-based toys...
The market is notoriously hard to crack, with every child wanting what their friends at school have and high-profile brands like Transformers and Spiderman dominating marketing.
So will the 12in (30cm) Jesus doll quoting scripture or the 3in (8cm) figure of Daniel in the lion's den open up children's imaginations - and their parents' wallets?"

Am I the only person who wants to know why Jesus gets given a full 12 inches and Daniel only gets three? I mean, I know he was, as the story has it, quite a wizened old chap (and he did live in a cave, which everyone knows isn't good for your health), but I wasn't aware that Jesus was a bloody GIANT.

Or maybe I'm misreading it, and the bloke's just lucky?

Madonna - baby thieving update

2007-07-30T05:48:00.000-07:00

This, from an outraged 'Grazia' magazine article:

"Madonnna has been quick to admit that adopting Malawian baby David Banda was one of the most difficult decisions she's ever had to make... Now, in order to win complete custody of the two year old, Madonna must open the doors of her £7 million home to a complete stranger so he can scrutinise her suitability as David's mother."

Erm.... yes. Being assessed "by a total stranger" is what is commonly known as a vital and entirely standard part of the adoption process.

Only difference is, if you're not rich and famous, they tend to want to assess your parental suitability BEFORE you get to bundle the child on a plane and take it home.

Coconuts

2007-07-30T04:36:00.000-07:00

Now, I know it’s terribly unimaginative to attack the BBC these days, but I couldn’t help but notice this lovely piece of creative newswriting. (Tediously, I’m going to have to repeat it in full here for my point to be clear).

A study has apparently been carried out by the BBC in which they wanted to explore the sense of ‘Britishness’ felt by ethnically Asian Britons.

Or rather, they were looking to write a piece about how alienated Asian people feel in Western society.
This would then allow lazy BBC hacks to attack the government’s foreign policy and its position on Iraq and Afghanistan.
It would allow them to write reams and reams of pointless copy criticising what they clearly want to falsely imply is Briton’s unforgiving, intolerant and racially and religiously bigoted society.
Moreover, it would allow them to suggest - once again – that it is Asian Britain’s sense of social alienation that is squarely to blame for the rise in numbers of young Islamic men wanting to commit mass murder on public transport, and nothing at all to do with their exploitation by fundamentalist Islam.

Unfortunately for the BBC’s biased agenda, what they found was that a significant majority of British Asians do, in fact, “feel British”. Indeed, 84% of British Asians stated that they were “satisfied with life in Britain and almost half thought they have more opportunities here” [than where, the survey doesn’t deign to mention].

Oh dear.

But never fear – if the facts don’t fit, we’ll just misrepresent them! Hurrah!

So, rather than the reasonable and accurate “Majority of British Asians are happy with their place in British society”, we get this: “Many Asians ‘do not feel British’”.

Well done, BBC!

'Many Asians 'do not feel British'

More than a third of British Asians do not feel British, a BBC poll suggests.
The research among the under-34s for the Asian Network found 38% of the UK residents of South Asian origin felt only slightly or not at all British.
More than a third agreed to get on in the UK they needed to be a "coconut", a term for somebody who is "brown on the outside but white on the inside".
Yet 84% were satisfied with life in Britain and almost half thought they have more opportunities here.
Half of the South Asians and nearly two-thirds of the white people interviewed agreed it was too easy for immigrants to settle in Britain.

Three-quarters felt their culture was being diluted by living in the UK and nearly half believed white people do not treat them as British.

The poll was commissioned to coincide with the BBC's India and Pakistan '07 season of programmes to mark the 60th anniversary of the 1947 partition of India.

Some 12% of those polled said they considered themselves to be "coconuts".
Meenal Sachdev, director of Connect India - which works with young Asians to strengthen identity - said she did not think British Asians needed to be "coconuts" to be successful.
"Identity can be a tool for success. I feel very confident about being a British Indian," she said.
"Confidence with identity comes down to ability and knowing you have as many opportunities as other people," she added.'
Many British Asians consider themselves to be British but at home they are more in touch with their cultural and ancestral roots.
ICM Research interviewed 500 Asian people aged 16-34 and 235 white people aged 18-34 between 4 and 12 July.

[Journalism students note: just 12% of people agreed that the racially pejorative term ‘coconut’ was relevant to themselves, whether through prompting or not we aren’t told. A mere 12%, and yet the term makes it into one of the first paragraphs of the article. Oh, and then we have the director of Connect India telling us that the term ISN’T relevant to young British Asian experience. So that’s cleared that up.]

When I'm 64

2007-07-19T03:17:00.000-07:00

According to some stockbroking firm's research, young people "don't understand" how much money they're going to need for their retirement.

Is that right? Or is it rather MORE likely that the average 20-30 something in London is so used to being up to their eyeballs in debt, living on their overdraft and wondering when - if ever - they'll be able to afford a studio apartment in Barking that the archaic notion of "retiring" at all seems entirely unlikely to ever happen to them?

"Young people underestimate the amount of money they will need for a comfortable retirement by almost a quarter of a million pounds, research shows.
Nearly half of people in their 20s and 30s (45 percent) have no idea how much they should be saving for their retirement, according to research by execution-only stockbroker Selftrade.
They estimate they will need a lump sum of 262,456 pounds to see them through retirement -- a far cry from the 500,000 pounds needed to receive an annual pension of 25,000 pounds, the average annual income among British workers."

Forget History...

2007-07-17T04:25:00.000-07:00

...it's all about advertising, my friends!

Next week: Bruce Willis's spotlit face to be carved into Stonehenge to promote "Die Hard - The Retirement Years".

'A 180ft chalk figure of Homer Simpson painted beside the famous Cerne Abbas giant in Dorset hasn't gone down well with the Pagan community.
Springfield's own favourite rude man, dressed only in his briefs and brandishing his beloved doughnut, was painted on the hill to promote the new Simpsons movie.
But Pagans are praying for rain to wash away the display next to the Cerne giant, which is considered to be an ancient symbol for fertility.
Ann Bryn-Evans, joint Wessex district manager for The Pagan Federation, said: "We were hoping for some dry weather but I think I have changed my mind.
"We'll be doing some rain magic to bring the rain and wash it away."
She added: "I'm amazed they got permission to do something so ridiculous. It's an area of scientific interest."
The Cerne Abbas giant is the largest figure on a hill in Britain, but it is unknown when it first appeared.'

Go, JK, Go...

2007-07-17T02:25:00.000-07:00

Can anyone explain to me what GOOD is going to come from J K Rowling hanging up posters at her book signing of that kid that went missing three months ago in Portugal?
You think large crowds of 10 year old kids are going to go, "Oh, hang on a second, when I was passing through southern portugal on business a few weeks back, I REMEMBER seeing a suspicious looking man and a small blonde child, I shall go to the police immediately"?

The sentiment is, of course, admirable, I wouldn't be churlish enough to deny that. Plus, it will give useful publicity for the International Centre for Missing and Exploited Children, but I've read several versions of this story in the press today and in none of them does anyone actually attempt to properly explain what it is they hope to achieve in terms of solving this particular case. Apart from (dare I say this?) more publicity for the book launch and yet another opportunity for the tabloids to indulge in media mawkishness.

'Posters of missing Madeleine McCann are to be made available to book retailers around the world at the request of Harry Potter author JK Rowling.
She has arranged, with the help of her publishers, for a poster to be made available for book retailers worldwide.
The posters will be available around July 21, the publication date of the final Harry Potter book.
Madeleine, of Rothley, Leicestershire, disappeared from an apartment in Praia da Luz, in the Algarve, on 3 May.
The poster will display images of Madeleine and a link to the International Centre for Missing and Exploited Children.
Ms Rowling said she hoped thousands of people around the world will see the missing girl's image as they queue for their copy of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows.
She said: "I fervently hope that posters displayed prominently in shops all over the world when the new book comes out will help find Madeleine McCann and will help raise the profile of the many other missing children in different countries."
The author has made her request for bookshops to display the pictures through her 65 international publishers.
The McCann family said they were delighted that the world-famous author is launching the poster campaign on their daughter's behalf.
Madeleine's mother, Kate McCann, said: "We are overjoyed by this generous offer and would like to thank JK Rowling, her publishers and book retailers for all they are doing to help.
"Madeleine has the first three Harry Potter books and first three DVDs. Like most other children the world over, she loves the stories."'

On an only marginally related subject, I am, however, glad to see J K flexing her muscles elsewhere.

For a long while, the publishing world was immune to the Mafia-like buying power of our nation's great supermarkets, and as a result, a meagre number of independent bookshops (you know, actual real life shops that sell books) were able to survive on the high street while all around them fishmongers, greengrocers and butchers were closing their doors.

However, as anyone who bothers to open their eyes will see, the supermarkets now control more or less everything we buy, and so over the past several years they have cheerfully been eating into the publishing world too. One of their best tricks is to force publishers to give them their best selling titles as loss leaders - books like the Harry Potter series. Asda then sells them at half their hardback RRP, while smaller bookstore chains and independent stores are obliged to sell them at their cover price.

That banging sound you can hear, people, is the last nail being driven into the coffin of independent bookstore retailing.

JK Rowling, however, is different to most authors (which makes Bloomsbury different to other publishers), on the basis that she's probably the only living author who is actually powerful enough to take on the supermarkets and tell them to fuck off:

'The publisher of the final Harry Potter book has cancelled an order to supply 500,000 copies to Asda supermarkets.
Bloomsbury said it had taken the decision because it had not been paid by the chain.
But Asda claimed the publisher was unhappy that it had criticised the book's price tag of £17.99.
It has assured UK customers the issue will be resolved in time for the book launch on Saturday, although Bloomsbury said "dialogue has not opened yet".
Asda spokesman Ed Watson told BBC Radio Five Live the chain - owned by US giant Wal-Mart - was not aware that the deal had been cancelled, and said the chain's criticisms of Bloomsbury's pricing policy was behind the decision.
He added: "It just seems funny that after we expose the potty Potter price hike, Bloomsbury are trying everything they can to stop kids getting hold of Harry Potter at a price they can afford."
Bloomsbury marketing director Minna Fry said the order had been cancelled due to "invoicing issues", but acknowledged the firm had been annoyed by Asda's comments.
She said: "Asda have had a problem with our pricing of Harry Potter for a while now, and they sent out a very aggressive press release saying that we were ripping off children.
"We think at 608 pages, £17.99 is extremely good value."'

Tesco, Asda, Sainsbury's: these companies want to own our entire lives, from what we eat, to what we read, what we wear, even to where we live (Tesco Mortgages, for fuck's sake? Thirty years ago the idea would've been laughable...). The only thing that can truly stop them chewing up and homogonising every aspect of our world is for us as consumers to actually reject them and the hideous lie they propogate that what they give us is 'value', and is 'cheap'.

What they do, and I don't apologise for any hyperbole, is systematically and ruthlessly destroy livelihoods and societies. They do this purely through shareholder greed, in order to fuel their own unstoppable, pointless growth for its own sake. If supermarkets were human and slavishly consumed everything they saw before them until they became giant and grotesquely obese, we'd say they were sick, wouldn't we?

Therefore it is almost - almost - as heartening to see Bloomsbury (and indeed, any sector of the business world affected by the supermarket monster) fighting to hold onto their business as it is to see local schools fighting to stop their playing fields being turned into Tesco carparks.

If you don't want supermarkets to own your world, you've got to fight for it...

We don’t need another (skinny) hero

2007-07-16T07:32:00.000-07:00

It has been said many times that people should never meet their heroes. This is true. Equally true, I think, is that one should never read about them either, because that experience is almost always equally disappointing (unless of course your hero is Boris Johnson, in which case you should devour every calculatedly- buffoonish word the man utters).
Today, a ‘hero’ of mine (OK, someone I’d previously quite admired) proved this very point.

Today, the ever lovely model Erin O’Connor is quoted in the paper as saying that it would ‘compromise the dignity’ of models if the fashion industry were to be legally obliged to stick to a minimum-BMI when hiring models for shoots and catwalk shows.

Oh Erin.

Loss of dignity? You truly believe that asking the fashion industry not to chuck sick, emaciated child-women down a catwalk is any less ‘dignified’ than allowing those same naïve little girls to puke and shit themselves into a skeletal shape with the aid of laxatives, amphetamines and a well-placed digit down the throat?
That’s a shame. Not for me, mind, cos I’m middle-aged and I just LOVE a pie, but for those young girls’ equally naïve peers, who read the magazines, see the pictures, and actually believe Victoria Beckham, Nicole Richie et al when they tell us that they are naturally thin and eat saveloy and chips at least thrice weekly.

It’s also truly a shame that Erin sees fit to use the word ‘dignity’ when the inquiry of which she was a part, The Model Health Enquiry, which set out supposedly to address serious problems within the modelling industry, has so stunningly failed to address any of the issues it was supposed to.

Perhaps ironically, given its self-absorbed vanity, the fashion industry is and has always been entirely unable to see its own reflection clearly. (The fable wasn’t called The Emperor’s New Clothes for nothing). Nonetheless, to freely admit that, according to the findings of your own inquiry, “as many as 40% of models may have eating disorders and almost all the models the panel spoke to confessed to having an unhealthy relationship with food”, and to then do NOTHING about it is, in my opinion, rather undignified.

Moreover, what kind of insult to our intelligence - not to mention the democratic process - is it to entrust legislative powers over abuses in the modelling industry to models and their AGENTS?
Sarah Doukas, the head of one of the country’s largest modelling agencies, is against the idea of banning the use of models who’ve been found to have taken drugs, you say? Well now, that does surprise me.

Asking the fashion industry to police itself a bit like asking supermarkets to decide for themselves whether their putting local retailers out of business is anti-competitive.
Oh yeah, the government did that too, didn’t it?

Happy Happy Joy Joy

2007-07-16T07:29:00.000-07:00

'Boris Johnson is to enter the race to be the Conservative candidate for London mayor in next year's election.
Mr Johnson, one of the best-known MPs, has confirmed that he wants to take on Labour's Ken Livingstone.
He said he had been "overwhelmed" by the support he had received. He has resigned as a shadow minister, but he is to remain MP for Henley. Mr Johnson is likely to face a number of rivals to be Conservative candidate. The deadline for hopefuls was noon.
In a statement, Mr Johnson said: "I have been overwhelmed by the support I have received from so many people across London."

So, there is a god. And - who knew? - he has a sense of humour.

Republicanism, Australian-style

2007-06-29T06:32:00.000-07:00

Brilliant story today: “Prince” William, of useless-Royal-offspring fame, has apparently been rejected as a candidate for the post of Australian Governor-General.

It’s funny on many levels. Firstly, because the bloke’s been rejected for a ‘job’ that he has expressed absolutely no public interest in. Secondly, because….well…. what the fuck is an Australian Governor General?

Who knows. All I know is that there is nothing more revealing about the Australian character than when they are given a carte blanche opportunity to slag off Britain and the British. It’s always great fun, because the overblown pompous outrage that usually follows a meaningless story like this in the Australian press demonstrates – more than any referendum ever could – just how much the Australian nation still suffer from a terribly bitter case of ‘filial envy’ where their ‘relationship’ with Britain is concerned.

“Look at those fucking poms, who do they think they are, sending their Royals over here, don’t they know we’re Republicans? Don’t they know we’re better than they are? Yes, YES WE ARE!”….etc.

Oh, look, here we are:

‘Opposition leader Kevin Rudd, whose Labor Party still campaigns for an Australian republic, said it would be "party, party, party" at the governor-general's official Canberra residence if Prince William took on the job.
"Australia overall is probably much better at exporting royals like Princess Mary than importing royals," Rudd told reporters, referring to a former Sydney real estate agent who married Danish Crown Prince Frederik in 2004.

Earlier, Rudd told Southern Cross radio: "There is a great place for the British royals and it's in Britain".’Bless you, Mr Rudd, but to be honest, we don’t really want him either.

If Only

2007-06-28T07:32:00.001-07:00

Saw this headline on Yahoo News today, and for just one sweet, sweet brief moment, I thought they were talking about two people....

'Mariah hits Paris for show'

The Baby Killers

2007-06-27T09:07:00.000-07:00

If ONLY the topic of abortion didn’t get people (primarily of the religious persuasion) so alarmingly heated up: then we would be able to, as a society, have a proper sensible conversation about the subject without the threat of burning in hell or somewhere similar being made.

The fact of the matter is – and, along with many other thousands of people, I’ve said this several times before – nobody enters into abortion lightly; not the women that consider it, the women that have it, the doctors and nurses that perform it…NOBODY.
Rather, the reason why legal abortion exists and should continue to exist is because people will HAVE abortions, and accepting that fact as an unavoidable reality is simply sensible. People need to have abortions in order to live satisfying and fulfilling lives, and so as a society, we have an obligation to provide an abortion service that is safe, legal and non-discriminatory, whether we like what they’re doing or not.

The BMA is not a hysterical organisation prone to emotionally-triggered outbursts, therefore when they say that access to abortion should be made easier for women, I am inclined to listen to them. If women are having to go through surgical termination procedures instead of medical terminations (the latter of which is considerably less invasive and potentially damaging to the patient’s health) purely because of failures in the system, then the system should be changed, no?
And if it COSTS less and is less of a drain on the NHS to boot, everyone should at least consider this as an option and a potentially positive step to make.

Agreed?

Right, so what’s the betting that tomorrow’s Daily Mail (or as I increasingly think of it, ‘Misogyny Today’) includes a screamingly hysterical piece about the BMA being baby killers?

'The British Medical Association conference is to consider a call for quicker and easier access to abortion.
One proposal at the Torquay conference is a call to scrap the need for two doctors to allow an abortion in the first three months of pregnancy.
Doctors will also consider proposals for non-approved premises, such as GP practices, to carry out abortions.
The ideas have angered anti-abortion groups, but the government said there are no plans to change the law.
BMA leaders said it was important to discuss the issue because many women are facing long waits for abortions.
Abortions before the nine-week mark can be done using drugs, rather than surgically.
But with waits of up to seven weeks in certain areas, some women are denied this option.
Dr Tony Calland, chairman of the BMA's medical ethics committee, said medical abortions of this kind represented such a low risk that carrying on with the pregnancy was actually more dangerous.
He said this raised questions about the need for women to prove - as they must currently do - that carrying on with the pregnancy represented a risk to health in order to be granted an abortion.
The two-doctor rule could be interpreted as outdated, he also claimed - as people have more control over their treatment than they did when the Abortion Act was passed 40 years ago.
"Women can now refuse to have a caesarean, even when that may be safer for the foetus, so it raises questions over the abortion requirements," said Dr Calland.'

State of the Union

2007-06-26T02:56:00.000-07:00

Erm.... forgive me, but if you're a union and you're going on strike, isn't your entire REMIT to screw with things as much as humanly possible to make sure people have to pay attention to you?

On that basis, isn't the timing of this threat really just a simple case of clever tactical thinking?

'Festival anger over rail strike

Scottish rail union members have been slammed for planning strike action which would coincide with the start of T in the Park.
The Rail Maritime and Transport Union (RMT) intends to strike on 6 July in a row over bonus payments.
Network Rail described the union's timing as "appalling".
The dispute involves about 400 Network Rail signallers in Scotland, who claim bonuses were cut following a previous strike in March.
The T in the Park festival will see tens of thousands of music fans heading for Balado in Perth and Kinross from Friday 6 July to Sunday 8 July.'

And again...

2007-06-26T02:40:00.001-07:00

...as I said, nobody could accuse Tony of not having a finely tuned sense of comedy.

Blair talks with Schwarzenegger

"Tony Blair has begun his last full day as British prime minister with a visit from California governor Arnold Schwarzenegger at Downing Street.
Mr Blair, who will resign after prime minister's questions at lunchtime on Wednesday, discussed environmental issues with the former film-star.
The two politicians agreed a deal last year to commit California and the UK to developing low-carbon economies.
Mr Schwarzenegger and Mr Blair will also visit a school...

At a joint press conference, Mr Schwarzenegger said it was crucial to show leadership is getting other countries to commit to lowering carbon emissions, particularly as the US has 5% of the world's population with 25% of greenhouse gas emissions.
On a personal note, Mr Schwarzenegger thanked Mr Blair for his "great leadership and great friendship".
Austrian-born Mr Schwarzenegger - a former Mr Universe and the star of films such as The Terminator and Total Recall - has been Californian governor since 2003.
He is expected to be the last foreign official to visit Mr Blair in Downing Street."

“I swear this is true, right…”

2007-06-26T02:37:00.000-07:00

Having retired as PM, Tony Blair is planning on becoming a peace ambassador for the Middle East region.

At least nobody can accuse him of not having a sense of humour.

Crazy Biscuit

2007-06-15T08:42:00.001-07:00

Hmmm.... A couple of weeks in rehab, and it seems that Britney really is ALL BETTER NOW.

Yes, yes she is.

'Pop star Britney Spears is asking fans to help her choose the title of her next album.
The 25-year-old, who made headlines with a spell in a rehabilitation clinic earlier this year, makes the appeal on her website.
Spears suggests a number of titles, including "OMG is Like Lindsay Lohan Like Okay Like"...'

Doing jailtime like Paris

2007-06-15T03:03:00.001-07:00

I tell you what, if I ever ended up in prison, could you make it Sudbury?

'A prisoner has absconded from Sudbury open jail in Derbyshire - the sixth to walk out in a week.
George Richard Day, 25, was sentenced at Derby Crown Court in September 2006 to two-and-a-half years for burglary.
Derbyshire Police said anyone who knows where Day is should not approach him and should contact the force immediately.

Christopher Chambers, 23, from Mickleover, Derbyshire, absconded from Sudbury last Friday. He was sentenced to three years for arson endangering life.
Simon Downer, 30, and Lance Wesley Reid, 28, both from Birmingham, walked out of the jail on Saturday.
Downer was jailed for six years for wounding with intent. Reid was given eight years for robbery, false imprisonment and aggravated burglary.
John Christopher Reilly, 34, and Mark Roberts, 34, both from Birmingham, absconded from the prison on 6 June.

More than 660 inmates have walked out of Sudbury in the past 10 years.'

Catholic guilt

2007-06-14T05:47:00.000-07:00

The Vatican has apparently told Catholics to stop supporting (the notoriously big bad and nasty) Amnesty International because AI refuses to condemn abortion.

Only a religion – i.e. a group of people daft enough to believe in the theological equivalent of fairies or Father Christmas – would think that withdrawing support for a HUMAN RIGHTS organisation is a good and reasonable way of demonstrating its interest in human (or, more accurately, foetal) rights.

It’s a shame that the ever-anti-semitic Catholic Church didn’t feel similarly compelled to “speak out” against the Nazi party in the 1930s and ‘40s, really.
Clearly its interest in human rights doesn’t stretch so far as to give a flying fuck about anyone who’s actually…well, you know, been born.

Oh Look….

2007-06-14T05:30:00.000-07:00

…it appears that other – considerably more knowledgeable – people agree with me. Jolly good.

‘Obesity has figured as a factor in 20 child protection cases this year and some doctors now think that overfeeding children could be seen as a form of abuse, according to a BBC study on Thursday.
The BBC said its findings were based on a survey of about 50 consultant paediatricians around Britain.
Earlier this year, the case of an obese eight-year-old boy hit the headlines after social workers threatened to take him away from his parents because of concerns about his weight.
Studies show Britain has the worst rate of obesity among children in Europe and the media regulator plans to ban television advertising for junk food aimed at school-age children from next year.
New proposals for cracking down on obesity will be discussed by medical experts at the British Medical Association's (BMA) annual conference this month.
These will include considering obesity in young children as "neglect" and taking obese children under 12 into care, according to the national Obesity Forum, an independent charity that aims to raise awareness of the problem.
Dr Tabitha Randell, a consultant paediatrician from Nottingham, told the BBC it was common to see children entering puberty before they were 10 because they were obese.
"I think the perception of parents is a very real problem," she said.
"If you see every other child in the playground with their belly hanging over their trousers you think that's normal."
The Royal College of Paediatrics and Child Heath (RCPCH) said parents and children needed to be helped to understand the benefits of living a healthy, active life.
"There may be a few families that give cause for concern where there are other matters of neglect or emotional harm and this is where a paediatrician might have discussions with social services," a RCPCH spokeswoman said.”

The Right to be Fat

2007-06-14T04:33:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I found myself reading a Guardian article about the state of the healthcare system in the US – probably a lot more where that came from once Michael Moore’s movie gets its UK release, and not before time.

People’s lives are being lost in the richest country in the world, because they have no health insurance. While it’s clearly not a laughing matter, the case of the man with amputated fingers who was told he could have his ring finger reattached for $13,000 or his index finger for $60,000 was sickeningly funny.

I felt – and not for the first time – proud and relieved to live in a country with a free national health service. To my mind, the NHS is probably this country’s greatest achievement and I loathe the constant bashing it gets in the Nazi end of the media spectrum.

So it’s particularly saddening when the NHS makes decisions to reduce the availability of life saving – or in this case life enhancing – drugs without sufficient explanation. I’ll admit to having a personal bias here (both my grandmother and my mother suffer from AMD) but it really doesn’t make a great deal of sense to restrict AMD sufferers’ access to drugs that can help them keep their sight where otherwise they would almost certainly lose it.
And it’s not human compassion I’m talking about, although a little more of that in society would be nice. As the Scottish health service managed to work out (in their usual good judgement as compared to that of England and Wales), the longterm cost of managing and caring for the needs of 20,000 blind people is FAR greater than…erm…preventing them going blind in the first place:

“Some 20,000 people will be condemned to blindness each year because of a government proposal to allow a vital drug to be restricted on the NHS, it has been claimed.
Draft guidance from the National Institute for Health and Clinical Excellence (Nice) suggests the use of Lucentis (ranibizumab) and Macugen (pegaptanib) should be restricted.
The drugs treat age-related macular degeneration (AMD), the leading cause of sight loss in the UK with 26,000 new cases each year.
Patients in Scotland can already get both drugs, although there is concern that ruling will be overturned in light of Nice's decision.
The Royal National Institute of Blind People (RNIB) said it was "outraged".
A final ruling on the drugs is expected in September.”

What’s worrying about all of this kind of stuff is that it illustrates the squeeze that is being put on the NHS. The service is creaking under the weight (literally, when you consider how many of us are obese) of the expectations placed upon it. Something has to be done to preserve and secure the future of the National Health Service, because British society would be vastly diminished without it. The creeping privatization of the NHS exercised by our “Labour” government is not the answer. Nor is it to fall back on Daily Mail-inspired oversimplification and blame immigration.
What we do need to do, however, is begin asking ourselves some uncomfortable self-examining questions. Like, for example, whether we should be feeding our children such utter crap that they’re fat by puberty; whether, actually, it IS unfair for treatment for smoking-related illnesses to be treated only upon the patient kicking the habit.

The NHS should remain a free service for everyone who contributes to British society – but maybe it is time that we stopped thinking about self-inflicted illness being among our rights and freedoms?